spilling secrets

It really is quite sad, that one of the only people in the world who should know me inside and out knows nothing about me. And besides that, thinks he knows what I need and want. When in reality, he is actually just ruining my life.

Leave ME alone, leave HIM alone. I didn't ask to be your daughter. I didn't ask for you to be my father. If I had the choice, I would leave and never come back, never even look back but, I can't.

So just leave me THE FUCK ALONE BEFORE I KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF YOU.
I am happy for the first time in a long time.
If you screw this up, I'll screw you over.
And trust me, I know a hell of a lot more about your personal life then
you think I do.

Golden

The irony of being in love with you consumes me
daily. The idea of resenting distance and
still having to embrace it to keep you.

The way time passes so slowly knowing how long
it will take before i can hold you and feel you,
in your tangible state. The state that I long to
live for sooner than later.

And all of the things you think are so awful
about yourself are all the things I can't bear
to lose from you. Your compulsiveness and worrying nature.
The way you keep tabs, the way you become obsessed.
They are important to me.

You are important to me.

The way I can't last without talking to you at least once.
It scares me to know that I am dependent on your love now
but, I could never be independent without it. Not in time.

I need your warmth. Need, not want. This is beyond want.
This is utter necessity. You are like oxygen, you are like
water and food and life. You are my world. My perfection,
ideal. You are the bed I sleep in at night, the hot shower
I take in the morning, the buses I ride, the shoes on my feet,
the littlest things. You are the monumental structures that come
in eluding packages. Ones that are small, ones that we miss until we are
in love.

I am in love with you.

You are everything.

Play Pretend

I am really bad at a lot of things.
I have little discretion for my sexuality and my feelings.
I follow my heart more than my logic.
I chew my nails and leave the house without caring what I look like.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
I wake up at noon most weekends and proceed to waste the day.
I hate being challenged when I don't need to be.
I chew loud.
I have little to no confidence in myself because of others,
and others are no excuse.
I blame my faults on my depression.
I apologize too much and forgive too easily.
It's apparent I have priorities that should not be priorities
and I open my mouth and these stupid, awful, naive, ugly words always
fall out and I never know what to do about it.

But

I also really care about people, too much sometimes.
I acknowledge my faults.
I am modest.
I have nice eyes and I like holding hands.
The things I say that screw everything up, they weren't supposed to do that.
They were supposed to be well intentioned, or honest or meaningful.
I really just want to make someone happy. Really happy. And I want someone to make me happy too because I think I deserve it. Even though I probably don't.

I'm really sorry that this is who I am, because it's not very amazing at all but, maybe you wanna pretend it is with me.

I think that might be the best thing anyone has ever done.

honestly?

Every time we say hello,
it feels like the first time i ever remember opening my eyes.
And every time we say goodbye,
it feels like we might never talk again.
So i always make every goodbye count.
Because this is happening so fast
that maybe one day, you will leave
but you won't know how i feel.
I think about you all the time.
All the time, really.
Part of me thinks it's bad and wrong
but the rest of me knows it's incredible and fulfilling
and that if i ever though of anything else I'd get sick.
I'm almost certain you'll become one of the most important
people in my life but i am a realist and realist don't like
to fall in love but for some reasons, i think, realists fall
the most. It's just because life is ironic.
Anyways, I really like you and I'm not sure how this works
because for a while i thought i did and then i lost him
so now i don't know. Not just about this but a lot of stuff.
I just, I really like you, okay? I do.
That's all.