I would like to take some time, to rant.

I partied hard last night.
Well...I partied, not sure if "hard" is the best adjective
to describe just what kind of partying went down.
I had fun, that's what counts.

On a side note.

My father needs a job. Like...now.
Why? Because I think it to be a little
pathetic if nothing less, that his
own children and his spouse
don't respect him soley because
he thinks a career is 7 FUCKING
HOURS OF ONLINE POKER
AND FACEBOOK ON OUR COMPUTER
AND THEN BITCHING AT ME FOR
BEING ONLINE FOR 90MINS.

But, i digress.

On a seperate note.
New monologue draft.


A strange new feeling:

I met someone. Someone...different. Someone special.
And just as different are the 100 new butterflies i get
when i'm around him. I get this awful gut feeling
he'll leave me one day and it makes my whole
body ache. It's one of those thoughts, the worst possible
you could think of thoughts, and you tell yourself to stop playing
it over and over in your head because it's just so stupid butthen,
for some reason, it becomes the only thing on your mind.
I guess i'm just a pessimist. The worst part is, i'm not even
sure what this feeling is! It's and amazing disease, with...with
incredible symptoms and as crazy as I feel, I don't want them to
ever go away.

When we're apart it feels like my stomach is in knots.
I hold my hand tight in the other and wonder to myself
if this is what it feels like to hold hands with him.
When i read books I don't even understand the words
on the page because i'm occupying my niave head with
thoughts of him. I doodle his name on my notebooks.

Colours seem brighter, food tastes better, music sounds
clearer, movies seem more well filmed, clothes fit better,
everything is so much better and i don't know why--

[break]

Oh god...[break] it's love. That's what it is. [break] i love him.

[scene]

Let's hop from one subject to a totally new one: Great! Sounds fun.

Party tonight.
Excited? Yes.
Will be nice to feel
social? or not alone?

Both work. Similar meanings,
really.

I feel...kinda...idk
not lonely anymore. Just empty?
Ya, let's use empty.

I know i'm being looked after
and the things i fear aren't a big deal anymore
but, still.

Am i selfish? Here i am, with exactly what i
wanted in life. And still i complain.

No, i'm human. Ya, let's use human.

I;m reading a good book.
Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk.
Y'know, the guy who wrote fight club?
Pick up a copy if you have the time.
It's witty and dark. But, very well written.

I need new clothes. I'm bored of most of mine.
It feels like a grand task to get dressed in the morning.

I wish it was warm out already.

I haven't wanted to kill myself in...3 days?
New record i think.

Oh god, that's terrible.

i still don't have a monologue for coffee house.
And its in...13 days.
Eek.

Ideas, comment.
Thanks :)


Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I hate the radio sometimes.
I love itunes radio though.

We have no tape in my house.
My door is starting to look draby.
Saddest part? that's my biggest
concern in life.

I need a haircut.
I like fruit. Alot.

I wish when i had a day planner
i used it more.

The room i'm in is plain.
I miss you.

A really bad poem

Fire


A fire's a passion that starts with a spark
That spark turns to flames and those flames hit the bark.
The bark starts to burn and the fire goes fierce
It claws at your face and burns up your tears.

Your eyes start to water, your hands become hot
The smoke tastes so bitter, not sweet like you thought.
Your heart rate grows faster, your blood boils red
And suddenly thoughts of her come to your head

The girl that you loved but, you left all alone.
The girl who held you, and kissed you, and chilled you to the bone.
But, just as easily warmed your sad soul
And just as easily, that lonely heart, that heart you stole.

So where do we stray when the fire has died?
When the passion is drowned in our love turned to lies?
And now there's no flames behind where we can hide.
So where do we stray when the fire has died?

Sins

I tried to be honest

all i found were lies.

I tried to be modest

instead i found pride.

Lust swallowed me whole

when i wanted love.

Greed stole my soul

when i rose above.

I wanted to run, to be live and be free.

Now i'm in a shallow grave.

Thanks, gluttony.

I forgive all my foes but through me, they saw.

My wrath was my weapon, against god's law.

And sadly did sloth chain my wrists and my feet.

I screamed and i kicked by it pulled me beaneath.

To the lord, i appologize, for why? I'm not sure.

I'm human, as he intended, and for that there's no cure.

Monologue (or a draft at least)

Bedtime



My bed is the only place in the whole world
where the monsters can't get me.
It doesnt really make much sense.
Monsters are movie creatures directors use
to make you scared. They're not real.
But when i crawl into bed, it feels like the are.
My bed is a big queen. In it, i feel tiny and invisible.
I can't roll over because everywhere around me is cold.
I take up no room in it.

I read in it, sleep in it, cry in it, listen to music in it,
draw in it, eat in it and dream in it. Dreams are amazing things,
aren't they? They're even better when your in love. When someone
lies in bed with you at night and holds you close. Like your dreams are
so close they actually look and sound better. The picture is more visible, the
sound is clearer, the colours are brighter and the shapes are more defined.

And you wish they'd never end. And when they do, it's not so bad.
The person next to you makes it ok to wake up, to kiss you better
and tell you they're still here. But, then one day, that person leaves.
And you want to be strong, you want to think it's not a big deal, and it isn't
really, right? Until you go to bed and you dream. And the bed is cold and your
tiny in it again. Your dreams are awful now. The picture is foggy, the colours are dull,
the sound is muffled and the shapes look like blobs. You almost wish you could stay up
forever. Just to not have dreams anymore.

My dreams are amazing. Everything is clear and bright and visible and defined.
I hope this person never leaves. I really love him. I really really do.



-Fin

We are such horrible people. We will end up together.

You're just like me.
We hate everything.
We love watching other's cry
and lie
and leave
and die
but never smile.

We rush like changing tides.
Chase after all the things that are not there.
All the conclusion we have not reached
will never meet
or greet
or beat
or cherish.

We make no sense of the situation.
You're just like me so let's get married.
Let's have fights
turn out the lights
don't say we're sorry
because that makes us weak.

We will end up together.
And smiles will line the highway
like yellow umbrellas in that art display.
Come play.
We will end up together.

We have to end up together.

Monologue. It's been a while.

Hey, at least your happy.

I am by no means a religous person.
Never have, never will be.
Giving me the full right to state the following:
I will perfect the idea of suicide.

Now, if i believed in god, im sure by now the church
would have banished me and labled me a sinner.
Unholy.
Unwanted.
But, joke's on the religous system.
I'm already there.

In today's society it is nothing less than common courtesy
to tell someone battling depression and/or suicidal thoughts,
"but, you have so much to live for."
And, we have to give society credit for this because, for once,
they got something right.
We all do.

We all have the abillity to change.
To grow, to become stronger. Smarter.
More beautiful, more pleasing, obedient.
We can conform or rebel. Get a job, lose a career.
Get married, fall in love, break a heart, have a kid,
adopt a baby, complain, shut up, get better, get worse.
We can exersize, we can buy the biggest freaking television
known to man just to have the bragging rights which, sadly, was
the real purchase we made that day with 96 hundred smackers.

But then again, we all have the abillity to die.
To kill ourselves and be happy. Even if those around us
might not be so content with our actions.

And sure, they'll hate and curse and scream and cry.
Maybe your mom will become the depressed one. Maybe
your dad will start cheating on your mom. Maybe your little
sister will be socially awkward for her entire life, your brother
will become gay and your parents will reject him. Your boyfriend
will never date again, your girlfriend won't ever stop fooling around.
Your grandparents will die a year later and your mom will say it's
all your fault.

But, hey, your happy. No one can disturb you. No one can vent
or dump their crap ontop of yours. You could be at peace for once
in your life. No one wants to see that side in society though.

They want the sadness, the drama, the details that make everyone
who reads about in the newspaper, watches it on t.v, see's the movie
in theatres, listens to it on the way to work through the staticky radio
because your car antenna is broken off, sick.

This is society. Can you handle it?
Can you still kill yourself?
I think it stronger to choose death
then choose life, and hate every second of it.
But then again, i could be just as wrong as you.

Future approaching. Please stay on the line.

Exams
Exams
Exams.

What a frightenin word.
I thought unit test was bad
but exams? That takes the cake.
Undoubtably.


So with studying taking up most of my time right now,
I start to think of the future.
Job
Marriage
Kids
but even closer than all that
is school.

I dont know what i wanna be after highschool
and i know it shouldnt be my #1 right now
but, i am in highschool now
and ive barley any idea what to do.

Ecology?
Dramatic arts?
Social work?
Teaching?

It's alot to consider when i really think about it.
Sure i could plan it out
and it'd look great on paper.
But when all is said and done, where will i be?
I don't have a trust fund.
I don;t have connections.
Not many people do.

Where will we be?

Dearest

Everything is fine right now.
Well, as fine as it can be i guess.
But its not great. Im not...happy.
And when i am happy i immediately think how great it'd be
if someone special to me could come see me smile :(



But they can;t and im all alone and its not fair.


And i have nothing even remotley new or interesting to write about.

Fuck :(

Dear Dad

I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate how you treat me.
Im not an idiot.
I know how to take care of myself
and maybe, just maybe, if you payed attetion to me
and how im feeling
apposed to being a closed minded,jobless piece of shit
you'd know that.


Thanks for nothing

A Bipolar Kind Of Day.

I can't focus. I can't write.
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I can't do anything at all.
And i think about cody all the time now.
Not in a romantic sense, but in anger.
I could have been happy. If i had never met him.
I could have been normal.
I could have been everyone else. But im not. And he hurt me.
So bad. And i won't ever know happiness, not for a long time anyways.
Why did he do this to me?! I loved him and it's like he never even cared.
I wanna be happy again so bad.

Not the way i am now. Not for a second and then it just ends.
There's this pain in my stomach when i cry now.
Like someone keeps punching me there over and over
and i scream at people who aren't even real. I tell them to leave me alone
to stop hitting me but tehy dont. I threw up last night. I threw up it hurt so bad.
I shoved my fingers down my throat and spewed into the bathtub and cried the whole night.
I thought, maybe if i throw up, maybe if i empty myself. It won't hurt, the hitting won't hurt.
I'm filthy. I am a filthy disgusting creature and i won't ever be beautiful.

I wanna be loved again, the way cody loved me. Not the hurt, the love. The one part of him i adored. I want to be held and kissed and smiled at. I wanna be beautiful but im not. Im digusting and revolting.

No body loves me. Not the way cody did. Not the way that makes your mistakes disappear.
I want everything inside of me to die. I want to die.
I Want to disappear into Alice's wonderland. And hide at the tea party forever and ever.
Where no one can hurt me and nothing is real.

I want to die so badly. But everyone makes me feel guilty. God makes me feel guilty and television and movies and books and boys and girls and education and friends. They make me feel guilty. Im not happy. Why would you make me stay in this place. I hate it. I dont wanna be ehre. I wanna go die. I wanna go hide in Alice's wonderland and i want you all to forget about me. I wanna be happy. What if things get worse. you have no idea what im going through. You have no fucking clue let me go. please fucking let me leave. i wanna die. I wanna disappear. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I dont like being guilty i hate it i hate it i hate it.

I wanna disappear.

Fight me.

I rolled over, there sat a face i didn't know.
I shook him but he would not wake, his body felt so cold.
I remember when he told me i was beautiful and left the morning after that
for a dancing girl in a lacey gown.

Springtime came but the snow did never melt
and through the icy window's glass i saw what it was he felt.
An ugly girl with dark long hair who couldn't hold a smile
and whose eyes were red with what appeared to be
tears of a broken child.

She danced in her underware around her dull dark room.
She loved the way she looked with eyes of black and blue.
When he hit her she cried so hard but knew he loved her more
for afterall she wore his ring and symbol she won't be ingnored.

And now no man will look her way, her bruises haven't healed.
She still dances in her underware and remembers how you feel.
The way you left, the way you stayed just long enough to gain
the trust that you abused and lost because to you love's just a game.

He's the king of the castle. And im just a dirty rascal.

These are vague attempts at happiness
Of which at the end the joy is less.

With every turn i shorten life
For every turn stabs like a knife.

I cannot breath, my lungs grow tight
The gun is cold against my life.

I will not kill, nor be killed by me
I will be missed and i'll miss thee.

But a secret that my scars pocess
Has turned sweet life to a bitter mess.

Please untie my rope bound hands
And help my heart restore amends.

Read me that story about wonderland
I love when she falls down the hole like i did.

But i didn't end up in a city of dreams
when i fell that deep all that i did was scream.

And scream at the boy who for me, didn't fight.
And was glad i moved on though he told me one night,

He told me he loved me and without me, he'd die
but just like the rest, that boy, he did lie.

So now he's the king and im just a fool.
His jester, his play toy, a meaningless tool.

To sleep in the shadow of my city so fair
and cry that i held onto what kept him there.

To stare in the mirror and tear myself down
to say "your so ugly, when you cry and you frown"

I wish he could see me, just to see what he did.
Just to see how he hurt me and the the way that i hid.

Behind drinks, behind tears
behind all the of things that i pretend aren't my fears.

I claw at the sunsets and i scratch at the moon
and i pray and i lie and i tell who is who.

Im a lost cause, a villan, a rascal in disguise.
I remember, he told me, "god."

"i love your eyes."




Fin.

Treehouse Blues **

I'll sit in my treehouse until the sun sets
and drink all dad's whisky and by morning i'll bet
that the world will have ended and stars will have died
and deep in the ashes of the grass there will lie

the seed of a flower, so inncocent, so pure
of which the silk of the petals, any disease, it could cure.
I will climb down that tree and spit on the dirt
because that flower never saved the ones i loved or this world

I will cry on my knees and stare into abyss
where, once, stood the sky, in its clear sky blue bliss.
And scream to the universe, the moon and the sun,
"Just because it's suicidal dones't mean grab your guns!"

I will wander the streets it an ecstasy haze
and upon your apartement, i will stop to gaze.
I remember the night, the night you moved in.
And we put on the beatles, around the room, we did spin.

And we fell to the couch and u kissed me deep
and promised we'd be together when the earth chose to sleep.
But i broke that promise and got drunk instead.
And let depression shake you dead.

Forgive me my lover, for last night i did sin.
I chose to be jealous that you got to grin.
Sadness engulfed me, and broke what of me was strong
and thats just the problem, i didn't hold on.

Untitled

Once there lived a peaceful two
with eyes of black, the other, blue
they slept quite close though far they strayed
from a passion they could not escape

They longed to kiss, to feel, to gaze
to break past their prison gates
One's knees were bruised from prayer
the other's tears did taste of care

And though their love was strong and bold
they began to hate who they could not hold
they fought and cried and left and lied
and soon their love no more did thrive

So now one wonders if they were wrong
the other can't turn off their song
They'd never admit to the crimes they've commited
let alone speak that the other's needed

But sun broke past the dark grey clouds
and one screamed its love for the other loud
The other's heart did sigh relief
its eyes of blue saw no more grief

Love can beat the odds set forth
as the once parted lovers learned in their course
Now tender embraces they both do feel
for the know "i love you" is what helped them heal.

We made it

First day back after the long holiday hibernation was a go.
The shallow task went ahead of showing off christmas gifts.


I've been working all night.
French
Enligh
Art
Repeat...several times.



Im so tired. Not just mentally, emotionally.
I just need to lie down with someone and nap
and feel them hug me when we do.

*Sighhh*

I miss being happy.
We barley made it.
Just
Barley.

Fucking lonely

SOMEONE FUCKING HOLD ME
IM WASTED DRUNK AND I NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING MAKE ME HAPPY
CAUSE I HATE EVERYTHING AND IM FUCKING ALONE............ ITS NOT FAIR GOD
FUCK, ITS NOT FUCKING FAIRR R UGHHHH DFGIJRAEWRJA'SJFASLJF9WURQ23TURAIO45Q3R8H183O IFAEHWFNC74U1RPAELF;3'LTRL23TK23ICONB 374

Its impossible..

I have no negatives to write.
In fact, i have NOTHING to write.
Hm.
Boring.


I have heard still no word on the importance of being ernest cast list.
If i get the part,
or they do the show at all for that matter,
i will not memorize all my lines for february 15th.
that's impossible.
I have exams soon.

Jesus christ, does our local theatre have to be such a bother.
We waste our money
and do shit productions because the majority of members SUCK!
Like holy balls GLT.

Honestly.

Is it really true?

O l i v i a, Stoe. ( * ) You don't ask for no diamond rings says:
i know and im saying u were better off at a party then chillin with me


**** says:
why wud u say that? no wonder no1 invites u out to parties whe u have a mentality like that

















=/ now i really wish i wasnt bipolar

City and Colour are my lifee right now. So take a number Comic books and zombie apocolypse training :)

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm Breaking Down
I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainties
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice

(Gordon Downey Singing This Verse)
I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's guilt
Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul
As if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be?
This misery will suffice

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Could it be? This misery will suffice




*** If you know what's good for you, you will buy this album
Bring me your love
City and Colour
On sale now :)