A Bipolar Kind Of Day.

I can't focus. I can't write.
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I can't do anything at all.
And i think about cody all the time now.
Not in a romantic sense, but in anger.
I could have been happy. If i had never met him.
I could have been normal.
I could have been everyone else. But im not. And he hurt me.
So bad. And i won't ever know happiness, not for a long time anyways.
Why did he do this to me?! I loved him and it's like he never even cared.
I wanna be happy again so bad.

Not the way i am now. Not for a second and then it just ends.
There's this pain in my stomach when i cry now.
Like someone keeps punching me there over and over
and i scream at people who aren't even real. I tell them to leave me alone
to stop hitting me but tehy dont. I threw up last night. I threw up it hurt so bad.
I shoved my fingers down my throat and spewed into the bathtub and cried the whole night.
I thought, maybe if i throw up, maybe if i empty myself. It won't hurt, the hitting won't hurt.
I'm filthy. I am a filthy disgusting creature and i won't ever be beautiful.

I wanna be loved again, the way cody loved me. Not the hurt, the love. The one part of him i adored. I want to be held and kissed and smiled at. I wanna be beautiful but im not. Im digusting and revolting.

No body loves me. Not the way cody did. Not the way that makes your mistakes disappear.
I want everything inside of me to die. I want to die.
I Want to disappear into Alice's wonderland. And hide at the tea party forever and ever.
Where no one can hurt me and nothing is real.

I want to die so badly. But everyone makes me feel guilty. God makes me feel guilty and television and movies and books and boys and girls and education and friends. They make me feel guilty. Im not happy. Why would you make me stay in this place. I hate it. I dont wanna be ehre. I wanna go die. I wanna go hide in Alice's wonderland and i want you all to forget about me. I wanna be happy. What if things get worse. you have no idea what im going through. You have no fucking clue let me go. please fucking let me leave. i wanna die. I wanna disappear. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I dont like being guilty i hate it i hate it i hate it.

I wanna disappear.