Be

There's a cancer in my stomach.
It eats away at me everyday.
It has the capacity of a super bowl blimp and it lingers
in my soul, taking up all the space i wish happiness would
take back but it won't because happiness is afraid.
Happiness is a pussy.

I swallow sadness the way you dry swallow a fist sized pill.
I want the whole world to see me bawl my eyes out but just
like happiness I'm a pussy. I'm an excuse and a runaway.

I wish I was a map, a book, a newspaper an eye chart.
I wish you could read me, page for page. Quote me. Make
me feel like i was open as the ocean and not nearly as deep.
I wish i was a shallow end. I wish i was the depth of a soup bowl.
I wish i was beautiful just like her.

When i think a thought of suicide i feel like a douche bag.
When i try and cut my heart in half, i feel like a loser.
I'm a loser. I'm a left behind, a beaten up, a black eye,
a broken arm. I'm a freak. And i love you so fucking much.

I don't wanna resent us. I don't wanna die unhappy.
I don't wanna be everything my parents want.
I wanna grow up and die with you.
Please forgive me, I'm a burden that cannot be lifted.

Please still love me. Please come hold me.
Don't let my bed swallow me whole tonight.
I miss you already and nothing is fair and why did he hurt me the way he did
so very long ago. Fuck him, and fuck love. And fuck everything.
I just wanna be with you.
That's all i know.


I just want everything to disappear and just be with you.
Just be.

Will everything please just change?

You make me feel stupid
and challenging. Selfish and immature.
I wish you would please just get out of my life.
Please stop treating me like you know me.
Because you don't. You know NOTHING about me.
And I hate you.
And if that hurts you, too bad.

Because I'm sick and tired of being someone you
don't know. When you talk to me, when you try and
communicate with me it makes me feel ill.
The way you treat me?
It's embarrassing.
The way you respect me?
It's terrible.
I'm not your little girl anymore.
I'm growing up. So back off.
I'm NOT an idiot.
I make stupid choices once and while.
Big whoop, so do you. You've made more stupid choices
than most people i know so get off my case and treat me
like a human being and not your property.

I AM TRYING TO KILL MYSELF HALF THE TIME
And I swear, I swear you could care less.

So when i turn 18, don't expect me to EVER stay in touch.
And that's a promise, not a threat.

Simple values.

Pizza pies
playful eyes
magic carpet ride surprise.
Magic spells
wedding bells
old polaroids with a story to tell.
Teddy bears
messy hair
kindergarten, learn to share.
Brand new crayons
saturday plans
crowded buses with no room to stand.
Story books
cubby hooks
playing dress up, "not yet, don't look".
Simple pleasures
used as measures
for playing space and buried treasure.
Silly, stupid cliche poems
represent the love i own.
Simple values can't compare
to all the feelings that we share.
But still i write them down for you
to prove the way i feel is true.

I really really do love you.

The saddest story of the most beautiful eyes*

I know of the most beautiful eyes in the entire world.
And though many may disagree, call me a fool and say that
it is impossible for beauty is ultimately in the eye of the beholder
if you saw these eyes, you would surely change your mind.

This i know, this i will always know.
This of which i was will always be certain.

Yet these eyes possess a story for me is the saddest
of them all. And to even have the idea in my head makes my
body and ache and knees buckle.
The story in fact is that i have not seen these eyes of which i brag of
and will probably never see them for as long as the sun is burning and the
world revolves around it.

These eyes are the deepest and most earthly brown you have ever seen.
The colour of soil and soul. So rich i swear i could bury my heart inside their
irises and grow a tree the likes of which no man nor beast has ever known.
This is the colour of the eyes i will never see.

They are blue. The clearest most crystal blue i will never see. The seas grow more
envious every time the open and the sky itself hides in shame because of there beauty.
Honest blue, truthful blue. It pierces my heart and startles my eyes. These eyes which i will never
gaze upon.

They are green. So green in fact that emeralds seem no more than dull lost rocks after seeing
them. The shade of hill tops and glimmer of beach glass. This is the green of which i speak. The
natural green, the green of peace and freedom. So bold and yet so calming it can stir
every emotion even those which you thought to have been lost. These eyes can find them for you
and god damn it i wish just once i could see them. Just god damn once have them stare back at me
in all there brown and blue and green lost glory.

And perhaps saddest of all the stories they have to offer is the one that these eyes
which i will never see have been seen my 100's of people who do not appreciate them as i would.
Who stare past them instead of at them. Who make them feel heavy and cold.

Every night until i die i will cry aloud or deep within my body for these eyes are my whole life,
my existence itself because i love them. I love them so much. How sick i feel to lie awake or deep in sleep thinking of the fact that both our pairs of eyes sit sulking and hurting inside our sockets and only wish to be kissed by lashes of the other. And feel the warmth of a real true kiss without our lips ever grazing. What hell is this, what paradise alike.

These eyes. I love them so. Can you tell?

Heroes*

If your timeless I'm better
we can make history together.
I'm Topenga, your Cory
we can build us a story
Romeo, Juliet?
They ain't seen nothing yet.

The joker, his harlequin
Batman and wonder woman
Clark Kent and Lois lane
Peter and Mary-Jane.

Bonnie and Clyde?
All they've done's commit crimes.
We'll out do them, the two of us
Start our new lives in a VW bus.

Danny and Sandy?
Damn, there love was caddy.
Cliche and undone
a fling topped with fun.

But you. You and me.
You, me our hearts
that makes 3.
Just us three we can be
a new world wide decree.

Take my hand, hold it tight.
Take a breath and take flight.
Clip my wings, keep me down.
As long as I've still got you around.

Be my valentine
Savior, my keeper, my all.
You've done it before.


And i love you.
My hero.
My one and my all.

Summer.

I'd rip down the Coliseum
I'd tear up the Mona Lisa
I would spit in the face of fate
if you would stay this summer.

I can't make it, I can't last.
Can't predict the future or fix the past.
Would never cry again if you would
stay this very summer.

And i can barley crack a smile on my own anymore
When i sleep i toss and turn and end up on the floor.
I've lost touch with base and faces.
I've been hurt and punched in places.
I've got a heart that's barley beating
Fuck, I'll miss you all next season.

Fuck this summer for i can't make it.
Screw pretending, i'm done, won't fake it.
Please forgive me i'm not strong
When certain things like these go wrong.

Marry me when you come home for school
I'll be patient and good for you.
Fuck, I love you.
Fuck, it's real.
Damn it all and damn my spiels.
And marry me when summer's over.
Marry me when fall comes back.
I'll still love you this i'm sure of.
Though by then we'll have been off track.

Endings I've been sore at doing.
Finishing things, not my best.
But i'll just say it to have it done with.
I love you, put it to rest.

My one still hope*

I can't turn this water into wine
I cannot travel back in time,
no no no.
I can barley climb a tree
Can i sail the 7 seas?
oh, no, no, no.

I'm flat like walls
and long like halls.
I am sturdy like the floor
and open as this door here.

I'm a boring ugly girl
but i wouldn't change me for the world
wouldn't break the rules I've set
wouldn't hope to lose you yet.
You're my whole life so far.

And pretty like the ocean
soft like the sand.
A shiny shell to look at,
a soft salt water hand
to hold.
Oh, no, no, no.

If I could name every city in the world i'd be rich.
I'd be a millionaire up on my thrown not a single scratch to itch.
I'd be less satisfied I'm sure.
Much too busy finding cures.
Finding heartbreak.
Finding mistakes
I have not even made.
oh,no, no no.

I won't leave you for nobody
For no house and for no home.
I love you like the stars love night
like a journey loves to roam.
oh, no, no no.

Build me no castles unless made of sand.
No ships unless in a bottle, stands.
No palaces if tooth picks are the make
No magic tricks unless they're faked.

Simple values, simple pleasures.
Marry me upon this tower.
Marry me while the sun's still shining
Marry me while the salt's still grinding.

Can't leave you.
My good luck charm.
My superhero.
My help
no harm.
My baby dearest
My one still hope.
I love you like no other
in this world could know.

Progress so bitter it makes your eyes water.

Eureka.

I have discovered the procrastination method number #432.
Accessing your blogspot from the school computer system.

Geography should be the main priority at this point is time
but it isn't. To be honest i could really care a whole less about
what my carbon foot print is.

Don't get me wrong, I love this world as much as the next poor chum.
It's just, I'd rather not waste my time learning how I destroy it.
Y'know?

The bell is going to ring is approx. 4-5 mins and i have to umpire tonight.
I'm also sore.
And tired and very hungry and generally, don't wanna be here.

I wanna go out, see a movie. Get dinner. What ever. I have a busy week
and I'm not feeling on this whole working stuff.

maybe i'll try and write later.
Yea, sounds good.
Sounds really good.

"I now know the vital importance of being Ernest"

Last night i dragged my boyfriend out to what i consider to
be one of my favourite plays of all time.
The Importance of Being Ernest, by Oscar Wilde.
Of course knowing most the play off by heart
I did that very annoying thing where i mouth all the lines
in certain scenes.

The second act, where Cecily meets Algernon?
My absolute favourite. The guy playing dear old
Algy was to die for. Perfect energy, couldn't hold back
my laughs when he entered a room.

But of course, the sure highlight of the night
was just being there with Mike at all.
I held his hand for most the the 3 hours
and I remember thinking
"Jesus Christ. I love you so much."

I do.
I love you so much.

I get you.

A superhuman
watch him fly.
Watch him as he swallows clouds
and chokes on the sky.

He's praised and he is loved.
The god to this city, stands above.
Through his days it has been hard
he will never show pain or his scars.

Faster than the a speeding bullet
Here's a trigger, please just pull it.
He will try his best to hold this power
to save these people and their towers.

He has have no pride, happiness alike.
He stands in sadness through the fight.
He cannot love her to keep her safe
though still he longs to kiss her face.

An alter ego to hide behind.
An normal life he'll never find.
A simple dream we take for granted
is his drive for new advances.

They call him the hero that this city needs,
though all he wants is an average life to lead.
Complicated civilian who most misunderstand,
just know this. I get you, superman.