Be

There's a cancer in my stomach.
It eats away at me everyday.
It has the capacity of a super bowl blimp and it lingers
in my soul, taking up all the space i wish happiness would
take back but it won't because happiness is afraid.
Happiness is a pussy.

I swallow sadness the way you dry swallow a fist sized pill.
I want the whole world to see me bawl my eyes out but just
like happiness I'm a pussy. I'm an excuse and a runaway.

I wish I was a map, a book, a newspaper an eye chart.
I wish you could read me, page for page. Quote me. Make
me feel like i was open as the ocean and not nearly as deep.
I wish i was a shallow end. I wish i was the depth of a soup bowl.
I wish i was beautiful just like her.

When i think a thought of suicide i feel like a douche bag.
When i try and cut my heart in half, i feel like a loser.
I'm a loser. I'm a left behind, a beaten up, a black eye,
a broken arm. I'm a freak. And i love you so fucking much.

I don't wanna resent us. I don't wanna die unhappy.
I don't wanna be everything my parents want.
I wanna grow up and die with you.
Please forgive me, I'm a burden that cannot be lifted.

Please still love me. Please come hold me.
Don't let my bed swallow me whole tonight.
I miss you already and nothing is fair and why did he hurt me the way he did
so very long ago. Fuck him, and fuck love. And fuck everything.
I just wanna be with you.
That's all i know.


I just want everything to disappear and just be with you.
Just be.