Beached

We're standing on the edge of a beach,w here the sand reaches out its grainy fingers of broken rock and shell to the water’s lips. I see it trace them carefully. Even when the tide breaks like shattering porcelain dishes it is graceful. Like the water has a mind of its own as it dances over the rocks.

It’s early October and the beach is naked and empty of people, of foot traffic, this early and frigid morning. Our wool scarves match the turning leaves on the tall maples that tower behind us at the far side of what feels like the ends of the earth. The ice cream huts and hot dog stands are closed. Their bright, warm summer colours and pictures of treats and hand painted prices look faded as if no one has been here for years.

I take a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. The hot air trapped in my lungs becomes visible in the cold that surrounds us. I dig my hands into my pockets for fear they might turn blue if I don’t. A brief breeze sweeps my hair into my face, tickling my cheeks but I don’t smile, I don’t move. I wait until it rests on my shoulders again, limp and lifeless. It’s such a waste of my energy to grow it. I look out at the water and see a great New York skyline burst from the quiet waves. The lights of Time’s Square all lit up for us. The skyscrapers and traffic and Broadway signs are resilient in the morning. But I blink, and it’s gone. It was a figment of my imagination, disappearing like everything else.

I look at you from the corner of my eye. You too are motionless and silent. Like the frost on the windows of empty cottages that sit on this beach, you don’t say anything, or budge, or dare to melt. I pull my hand out of my pocket and reach for yours but, it passes through your fingers, like smoke. You don’t exist. I feel tears collecting in the corners of my eyes, tiny droplets of emotions I hate. I suck them back and pretend it’s the cold. What does it matter anyways though? No one’s here, not even you. I’m alone. I wonder if maybe you’re alone too, somewhere else, in another beach or maybe in a empty street or maybe in an apartment building, or a forest or a park or a store or a movie theatre or a fucking garbage dump, I don’t care. I just want to know you’re alone too.

The thoughts collect so fast in my head I can’t process them all. I fall on my knees but, I’m still not crying. I lay on my stomach but, I’m still not crying. I reach out my hands and let them hang in the water but, I’m still not crying. I get pulled under the sea and I drown. Now I’m crying.

Then I wake up.

Taboo for you

Hey guys. Long time no post. I’ve taken a break from writing for awhile as I’m focusing on my music and other endeavours, but, I decided to drop a line inspired by a recent philosophy assignment I was given.

Taboo is an online quiz game that reads into your moral ethics. It’s a little “out-there” for some people, but, it really gives you a look into your mind that you might not have gotten otherwise. The game isn’t too long and it’s a lot of fun so I suggest you check it out : http://www.philosophersnet.com/games/taboo.php

For the game, I took in my friend Ryan to play and get a look at HIS answers. I was actually surprised by some of his responses.

NOTE THIS SECTION CONTAINS SPOILERS TO THE QUESTIONS. DO NOT READ IF YOU WANT THE QUESTIONS TO BE A SURPRISE!

At the start of the game, Ryan answered one of the questions by saying he agreed with the fact that if an action undertaken by a person is completely private and causes no harm to the person then there is no reason why it should be deemed morally wrong. As we started the game, this proved to be true to him. The question regarding the brother and sister having sexual intercourse was fine with him. He mentioned that since they both seemed to benefit, no one was hurt and no one knew about it that the actions taken by them were in fact fine. However, the following question about the man having sexual intercourse with a frozen, dead chicken was extremely wrong to him and he even believed that people who did this should be punished. I suggested to him that I found it strange that he decided incest was okay but sex with a non-living animal was not. He seemed to review his answer in his head briefly, perhaps thinking “yeah, that is strange. Since I would usually think incest to be wrong in all accounts” but, he stuck with his idea that the action was “necrophilia and bestiality!”

I’ve always thought Ryan to be very morally mind-set. I knew he would have strong opinions coming into the game but, I was still very surprised that he found things I thought were the most offensive to be the least offensive. I agree with the analysis at the end, that it wasn’t clear what his moral mind-set was because he believed that actions that were safe and private were okay but certain actions, though stated as such, were wrong.

Overall, a very interesting experience I would love to try with more friends and perhaps some family.

Monsters

New original song,
a couple other on there too I haven't mentioned.

http://chivalryonapostcard.tumblr.com/

please listen, comment, follow, tell people.
I ma becoming increasingly passionate about music.

love and peace,
liv

If You'd Comply -- new song

http://chivalryonapostcard.tumblr.com have a listen

When I pass you my heart
It still jumps like
A postal worker
Who just got cut and

When I think of you all
That I can hear is
AM 180
Ringing in my ears

[chorus]
I still owe you
Ray bans, I would love just
One dance
If you'd comply [x2]

I diddle my thumbs and
Pretend 1 is yours, I
I hear your voice
Every time the rain pours

What's happening? I
Still ask myself as
I sit where we sat
Between the book shelves

[Chorus]

When I think of you all
That I can hear is
AM 180
Ringing inside my ears

Executive decision

I have decided I am going to take a break from writing.
Maybe for a long time,
maybe for a short time.
I am incredibly tired of myself and my words,
my ideas and my inspiration.
My goal in life, for a long time, has been to
write something truly beautiful.

I really don't think I'm capable of such a thing.
I don't think I am capable of many things.
Most of all that.
Well, not most of all.
But certainly in the top 3.

I'll write you when I get back.
If I ever do anyways.

Fond but not permanent fair well,

Liv

NEW SONG -- The Earth

you’re like a cosmic collision
shooting through space and arousing my vision
something that I would love to behold as
my own

you’re like a fresh summer solstice
warming the breeze, using earth as your hostess
something that I would love to behold as
my own

[chorus]
you must be the earth
either that or I'm the tiniest girl
anyways
i think you're the best
the only one who puts my heart to
rest

you’re like a towering tree
lending your shade to watch over me
something that I would love to behold as
my own

you’re like a love lullaby
smiling and crying all at the same time
something that I would love to behold as
my own


[chorus x2]

http://chivalryonapostcard.tumblr.com/ for audio

(500)

I watched Mark Webb's (500) days of summer last night.
I don't know what to believe anymore.

I love that feeling.

My connection within

I am a ancient bridge.
Breaking into my purest bricks I finally see my connection within passing.

I am an aging starlet.
Stiff from needles and knives I finally see my connection within fame.

I am rickety ladder.
Wobbly with weight and work I finally see my connection within the sky.

I am a rotting tree.
Decaying, layered with this forests moss I finally see my connection within the earth.

I am a sunken ship.
Lost inside an angry ocean I finally see my connection within the sea.

I am a far away land.
Past the world and all its wonders I finally see my connection within distance.

I am a neutron star.
Collapsing into myself I finally see my connection within darkness.

To fall.

stop it

I don't take,
You never give.

You get yours,
When I get mine.

You love ideas of people,
I love idealism.

Are we even yet?

Deranged

Can you taste me on your tongue
As my senses start to run
My scent becomes my vision
My touch is now what listens

I'll give up the sunshine
If you make it worth my time
The night has strayed and left me lonely
I need your arms to make me homely

Winter's fleeting, winter's fickle
Payed off summer with only nickels
Warm like green tea, soothes my soul
love like yours to fill a hole

so empty
and still so full
irony
stings my veins
empathy
so deranged
where are you?

Snuff recording

I did a rough recording of the new original song
(somewhat accurate lyrics are in the previous post)

i encourage being told how bad it might sound.
thanks.
http://chivalryonapostcard.tumblr.com

Snuff - new original song

this is a metaphor, a metaphor for love
it takes time to memorize so lets not jump the gun
i think if we take our time we will be just fine

I don't wanna sleep somewhere where i cant see the stars
I don't wanna turn my head to only hear the cars
I will only be at rest if i hold your hand

I don't think I'm enough
hell yes, i know it, know I'm not up to snuff
maybe he wont recognize me if i wear this hat
maybe he will take me, even take me back

Breaking out of old routine, I seem to lose my head
Hoping if i sleep tonight its with you instead
Mattress is a funny word in Latin means death bed.

I don't think I'm enough
hell yes, i know it, know I'm not up to snuff
maybe he wont recognize me if i wear this hat
maybe he will take me, even take me back

What are we gonna do now
Who are we gonna see now
Why do I have to leave right now
right now

this is a metaphor, a metaphor for love

A means to an end.

I don't think I want to write anymore.

Know-it-all

I don't want to wake up
Knowing I know everything
Then what would be the point
Of staring at the stars?

I'd hate to go to sleep
Knowing I know everything
Then I could never say
"Life's a mystery".

Tell me, what would be the wonder
Of dreaming about thunder?
What would be the exploration
Of an island or a nation?

Why would I want to learn
How is it the flowers grow?
The farthest corners are unknown
I'd hate if they were shown.

If I knew everything
Nothing would seem brand new
The sky would seem a duller blue
My wondrous eyes would seem so cruel.

If I knew everything
My restless nights would grow so calm
But I think rewards are greater
When through life you must be strong.

I will take my days in strife
To see a greener grass
One day I'll know everything
And that day will be my last.

Leaving messages.

Tonight I let go and as a result I can feel my entire body break down.
Every inch of my insides is collapsing on top of each other.
Every fiber of my being is torn and without repair.
I feel disgusting.

I will still never change.
I am peter pan. I won't ever grow up.

And maybe it's the heat of them moment
or maybe the tears burning salty into the cuts and dry
cracks on my face but I am hurting to the point where
I think heart break might kill me.

I know I've said it a million times and I know you don't care
and hell, why would you? Look at me, I'm ugly as sin, I'm
fat, I'm scarred, emotionally fucked, mentally screwed. Indecisive,
immature, selfish, stupid, you name it. I'm there. I don't listen,
I don't behave, I don't care, I don't know. But I miss you already and
I love you so much and I'm sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry I won't do anything right.

I don't know how to be in love. I can't write worth shit
and I can't talk about how I feel without getting cloudy eyes
and a foggy mind and losing track of what I even wanted to say.
I have a vast amount of hate for who I am and who I know I'll never be.
I'd give a lot of things to keep you, on paper.
But I'm too much of a chicken shit to follow through.

I am Liv. I am this.
This which is awful.
This which is so hard to change.

So I left.

begging.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
click the google ads located in the side bar near the bottom.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
your clicks make all the difference and i'm desperate for cash right now.
Click them once, twice, 10 times, 1000 times, i don't care.
Please just click them.

forever yours,
liv

Because I love you.

When we kiss
My body sinks
Like lead filled ice
In a tall, cold drink.

When I miss you
My ventricles burst
Spraying blood
And cells and hurt.

When we're close
My arms turn stiff
An inch or two
They will not shift.


Because I love you
My stomach kills
Butterflies
On trucker pills.

Love is a sea

I can feel love on my lips
It feels like storms and sinking ships
It sounds like screaming and banging drums
It tastes of poison, it looks like scum

Love engulfs my slurring speech
Making words seem out of reach
Words of romance spill off my tongue
Making all my phrases run

Sedated, my mind starts to go
And with it, my thoughts start to flow
Soon, what I was sure to think
Seems not much more than missing links

Now love has lost me out at sea
Lost in a balance of dangerous and free
Drowning in its lust and loss
My heart, I know, is the only cost

spilling secrets

It really is quite sad, that one of the only people in the world who should know me inside and out knows nothing about me. And besides that, thinks he knows what I need and want. When in reality, he is actually just ruining my life.

Leave ME alone, leave HIM alone. I didn't ask to be your daughter. I didn't ask for you to be my father. If I had the choice, I would leave and never come back, never even look back but, I can't.

So just leave me THE FUCK ALONE BEFORE I KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF YOU.
I am happy for the first time in a long time.
If you screw this up, I'll screw you over.
And trust me, I know a hell of a lot more about your personal life then
you think I do.

Golden

The irony of being in love with you consumes me
daily. The idea of resenting distance and
still having to embrace it to keep you.

The way time passes so slowly knowing how long
it will take before i can hold you and feel you,
in your tangible state. The state that I long to
live for sooner than later.

And all of the things you think are so awful
about yourself are all the things I can't bear
to lose from you. Your compulsiveness and worrying nature.
The way you keep tabs, the way you become obsessed.
They are important to me.

You are important to me.

The way I can't last without talking to you at least once.
It scares me to know that I am dependent on your love now
but, I could never be independent without it. Not in time.

I need your warmth. Need, not want. This is beyond want.
This is utter necessity. You are like oxygen, you are like
water and food and life. You are my world. My perfection,
ideal. You are the bed I sleep in at night, the hot shower
I take in the morning, the buses I ride, the shoes on my feet,
the littlest things. You are the monumental structures that come
in eluding packages. Ones that are small, ones that we miss until we are
in love.

I am in love with you.

You are everything.

Play Pretend

I am really bad at a lot of things.
I have little discretion for my sexuality and my feelings.
I follow my heart more than my logic.
I chew my nails and leave the house without caring what I look like.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
I wake up at noon most weekends and proceed to waste the day.
I hate being challenged when I don't need to be.
I chew loud.
I have little to no confidence in myself because of others,
and others are no excuse.
I blame my faults on my depression.
I apologize too much and forgive too easily.
It's apparent I have priorities that should not be priorities
and I open my mouth and these stupid, awful, naive, ugly words always
fall out and I never know what to do about it.

But

I also really care about people, too much sometimes.
I acknowledge my faults.
I am modest.
I have nice eyes and I like holding hands.
The things I say that screw everything up, they weren't supposed to do that.
They were supposed to be well intentioned, or honest or meaningful.
I really just want to make someone happy. Really happy. And I want someone to make me happy too because I think I deserve it. Even though I probably don't.

I'm really sorry that this is who I am, because it's not very amazing at all but, maybe you wanna pretend it is with me.

I think that might be the best thing anyone has ever done.

honestly?

Every time we say hello,
it feels like the first time i ever remember opening my eyes.
And every time we say goodbye,
it feels like we might never talk again.
So i always make every goodbye count.
Because this is happening so fast
that maybe one day, you will leave
but you won't know how i feel.
I think about you all the time.
All the time, really.
Part of me thinks it's bad and wrong
but the rest of me knows it's incredible and fulfilling
and that if i ever though of anything else I'd get sick.
I'm almost certain you'll become one of the most important
people in my life but i am a realist and realist don't like
to fall in love but for some reasons, i think, realists fall
the most. It's just because life is ironic.
Anyways, I really like you and I'm not sure how this works
because for a while i thought i did and then i lost him
so now i don't know. Not just about this but a lot of stuff.
I just, I really like you, okay? I do.
That's all.