Leaving messages.

Tonight I let go and as a result I can feel my entire body break down.
Every inch of my insides is collapsing on top of each other.
Every fiber of my being is torn and without repair.
I feel disgusting.

I will still never change.
I am peter pan. I won't ever grow up.

And maybe it's the heat of them moment
or maybe the tears burning salty into the cuts and dry
cracks on my face but I am hurting to the point where
I think heart break might kill me.

I know I've said it a million times and I know you don't care
and hell, why would you? Look at me, I'm ugly as sin, I'm
fat, I'm scarred, emotionally fucked, mentally screwed. Indecisive,
immature, selfish, stupid, you name it. I'm there. I don't listen,
I don't behave, I don't care, I don't know. But I miss you already and
I love you so much and I'm sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry I won't do anything right.

I don't know how to be in love. I can't write worth shit
and I can't talk about how I feel without getting cloudy eyes
and a foggy mind and losing track of what I even wanted to say.
I have a vast amount of hate for who I am and who I know I'll never be.
I'd give a lot of things to keep you, on paper.
But I'm too much of a chicken shit to follow through.

I am Liv. I am this.
This which is awful.
This which is so hard to change.

So I left.