Owie.

Today I have the most intense, unimaginable headache.
The kind you read about. Legendary isn't the right word
but it's the first word that comes to mind.

It's like a bowling ball running down the lane, a spark from flint.
as Andrew from Garden state would call it,
"it's like a tiny thunderstorm inside my head. And it only last for a split second
and then it's gone"

It first it started to seep into my skull as i sat up to stretch
on the couch. I had been lying there indulging myself in my favoured
country for independent films latest, "He died with a felafel in his hand".
True story. Not the movie, but it's titled. Based on the novel by John Birmingham.
I recommend it, great film. Anyways, I sit up and this sharp shock runs through my
noggin. I think dehydration. Though that's insane, I've had plenty to drink today. Water
especially. Then I think sun, but haven't been out all day. I take an asprin and it escalates.
I lay down, but when i get up again it's worse. I play the guitar but the noise makes my brain
rattle.

So here i am now sitting at the computer, the radiation of the blogger New Post screen
banging in my face like some cheap desperate hooker begging for your dick.
I know that was graphic but at this point I'm not calm enough for any ocean breeze or freshly baked bread comparisons so back off.

Today is one of the days when i sit for ages, i watch films, i listen to music, i have meaningful conversations with myself and i still cannot for the love of the lord in heaven, write anything close to poetry. So i'm changing it up and posting what is assumed to be a traditional blog post. I'm sure everyone reading this is ecstatic but i could give less than a fuck and a shit.

Then i start to let my head wander, which is never good when it hurts this badly. What if it isn't medical. What if my health is fine, better than normal even. Which is a stretch considering i wolfed McDonald's like it was my last meal today at around 1pm. What if it's mental. What if this depression is getting worse, growing faster and faster and i can't keep up. And the only thing my body knows how to do is hurt? What if that's crazier than it sounds at the same time.

A friend once told me the only thing that can fix you, is you. That people, emotions, the idea of love, the commitment we associate with it, with sex, and dates and friends, ultimately gets in the way of the only thing that matters. You. But then that raises a question for all those feeling suicidal, depressed and manic like me. What if you think you don't matter.

Which is crazier than my earlier thesis about pain. I matter, everyone matters to some degree, right? To someone anyways. But the feeling still sits there with all my pain in the back of my mind. What if it turned out, i didn't matter. Then how can i fix things?

I know this is a lot of ideas considering how little i figure i can think right now.

Anyways, something inside, something incredibly simply utterly sad is screaming at me right now "you're depressed and it needs to be fixed."

But how?