Attack.

At first it's calm.
Overcast in my head.
It thunders, but no lightning.
Not yet.

I think about all the things i shouldn't
The people i hate, the places that remind me of all the wrong i've done.
Committed sins and foul play.
And soon i feel sick.

My stomach rolls like a ship on high tide.
It tosses and turns, throwing acid into my throat.
I feel my eyes swell. It burns and it bleeds.
I start to cry. I start to feel.

Violent tears and angry, silent screams.
My teeth grind and my heart aches.
My hands are numb.
My legs shake.
My toes curl in so tight i could turn coal into diamonds between them.
I vomit.
I am sick with sadness.

My chest heaves in and out, my head is throbbing.
I can barley breathe.
I wish i could suffocate.
I wish i could die.

I squeeze my eyes so tight and hard
against my face.
I can see all the moments I've done this before.
Vivid as a picture book.

My ticker races, mini heart attacks rage
through my chest as if they might never cease.
For moments i calm, i collect, i review.
I remember, and i cry again.
Louder, angrier.

I clench pillows against me.
I hold them tight, so tight that if they were people
i would break their ribs into tiny shatters and scarps.
I wish it was a person.
I wish i never cried.
I wish i could smile straight.

My nose bleeds, my throat burns with stomach acid.
A foreign feeling i am so familiar with arises.
As if I've never cried before.
Like the first time I've ever felt.
I pray it is the last, but hell.
Nothing is.

I pass out.
I sleep.
I wake up.
I pretend.

This is a manic attack.
I have one every day.