Pain pills

Every day, I get up and I tell myself, flat out, no beating around the bush, "today is the day, we turn everything around for us." But, we never do. By the end of the day we are doing the same thing we always do. Writing furiously about how we can't do anything right or make anyone happy then crying ourselves to sleep asking "why?"

Today is almost over and I can already feel the tears inside me starting to rise. Rise to the surface, the whites of my eyes, waiting to collect in the lashes and then roll down my hot, flushed cheeks. I can already feel them. It feels good, but it feels disgusting at the same time. To know I am so young and already so messed up. I'm sure I sound like every other teenage girl, with drama she won't share and heartbreak that is probably meaningless but, it doesn't feel that way. Everyone's pain is equal and no ones pain is more important than another's. In the end, all pain is not substantial. In the end, all pain is resolved. With a hug, a kiss, a death, a life.

The question still remains inside me though. Will tomorrow be the day when I finally turn everything around? Or will I lie in bed tomorrow feeling farther from my goal. I have things I aspire to reach, hands I wish to hold, love I wish to decree, poems and stories and screenplays and books I need to write. All things in life I need to finish. Perhaps the first step is to remove of myself any goals at all, be clean of things that, subconsciously, I strive to meet and complete.

I'm crying now. And my day is not even done. Oh god, I'm a mess. Oh lord, I'm a train wreck. Will someone, anyone help me turn this around?

Please someone lie to me, that this is all going to turn out before I know it.