What can change for me?

New Years is upon us people.
Resoultion come with it.
Looks like it's my time.


1. Smile more
2. Stop worrying about relationships
3. Don't fix what isn't broken
4. Cherish friends, forget enemies
5. Write in your diary EVERY day this year
6. Save for the future
7. Take more time for yourself
8. Do something with your hair once and a while
9. Laugh off the bad
10. Do your work
11. It's ok to need help
12. Make yourself more approachable
13. Live for the moment more
14. It's your time. Take it.



Simple and promising.
I can do this.
Baby steps Liv, baby steps.

God damn it i can do this

The Play

This morning i was reading my marvel zombies
thinking about how the world was going to end when i stopped for a moments and remembered:


The play YOU wrote
YOU directed.

All that jazz?

It's getting published.
Something you did ended up right.

It ended up being more than just what it started as.


So maybe, just maybe,

I could end up as more than this.
As more than a mess.


It's possible.

Mirror, Mirror

Im not pretty.
And im sure as hell not beautiful.

I'll always be sexy.
A turn on.
Arousing.

But i will never be beautiful.

What i wouldnt give to be more than fuckable.
More than jerk worthy.


I just want someone to stare me in the face and say it,
honest to god.

"You are b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l, beautiful"

Grandma Cookies

I have come to the brief
but well thought out conclusion



Grandma cookies make the world seem brighter
but, they do not in fact make swollen gums hurt less.



Curse you grandma biggar
and your delicous cookies

:D

A day of adventure.

Twas a boring day.
I know, the title is eluding.
Im good at that ;)


I went to chapters a bought a book.
you may applaude when you're ready :)

Took my chances at running in this terrible windy weather today.
I still have my legs, which is a good sign.
Christmas get togethers last night was a bit dull.
Gifts and dinner. Awkward small chat about school and extra activity.
Of which i have virtually none.


What is it about get togethers that spark the most boring of conversation topics?
I think it's more of a fear to sound stupid or like we don't really care.
But i think asking me the same thing over and over at these social events proves that to be more true than new topics.

We talked about the play i auditioned for.
The one i wrote aswell.
How highschool is going for me.

Blah
blah
blah...

blah




Someone pleaseeeeeeeeeee entertain me more.
This whole life is wearing down its welcome.

I take it back

I take back that it was a great year.
it wasn't at all.




And i hate myself.
I hate depression
and self loathing.
I hate my qualities
and i hate my looks.
I hate what music i like
what clothes i wear.
The paint in my room
the way my sheets smell.

I hate being single
and i hate being complicated.
I hate being left
lied to
and back stabbed.

I hate that i like girls too
i hate that it's almost a new year
i hate ignorance
and pitty.

I hate cody
i hate love.

I hate the way you made me feel.
I hate my smile.
I hate my eyes when i cry.
I hate my hair
and i hate swallowing.

I hate my dad
i hate my body.
i hate my urges
i hate my mistakes.
I hate my regret
i hate the radio
i hate winter.

I hate you
and you
and you
and you.





please fucking god
please fucking anyone
please some make me happy.

fuck
please
im fucking scared
im so god damn fucking scared.

Today i unpacked my boxes. Transaltion: irony.

Good afternoon world.

It's boxing day today so i did the opposite.
I opened every note book i have, every box, every secret cupboard.

I read things today that made me sick.
Made me almost honestly get sick.

I cried a bit but im trying to quit that nasty habbit.
I only wanna be sad when its required.
I find crying when i really need to smile about things gives bipolar an even more cliche reputation.

I found some really rather nice things though.
old magazines and such. I clipped out some pictures and wrote on them.
More things for my door collage (once i get more scotch tape that is).

I talked to an old friend today, which believe me is more than amazing.
I really missed Dale. It's been a while.


Mr Dale says:
good - Ive just read all your blog! now Im lookin at alllll your pics....incase u wanted to know lol
St. L i v, for whom do you sleep at night? says:
haha
Mr Dale says:
lol ive come to the conclusion that I kinda fancy you a bit....but dont tell anyone
St. L i v, for whom do you sleep at night? says:
awwwwww
Mr Dale says:
lol
St. L i v, for whom do you sleep at night? says:
and howd u come to that conclusion?
Mr Dale says:
well ive thought u were very very attractive anyway but after readin your blog and lookin at your pics and remembering how nice you were and how creative etc, yeah I kinda do fancy you a lot lol


I waited quite some time for that.



It's officaly been a great year.
And i mean that.

Welcome holy ghost.

So far, so good.

I feel happy for the moment. I'm not doing anything for x-mas today.
Not until Saturday, w/e that's about?

I got some nice stuff.
-Sock monkey hat
-New belt buckle of the British flag in a heart
-T-shirt (i <3>
-Comics
-Candy
-Perfume
-Movies
-Tea :)
-iPod <333
- Gift cards
-A book on john lennon :)
-Socks?
-Left for dead

I hope the day doesnt suck.
Deep inside, i really love christmas

but don't tell people.

So this is christmas?

It's currently 11:09 am on the 24th of this fair month.
My parents are already fighting and i'm already unphased by the spectacle that seems to be the holiday season. Don't get me wrong, xmas is a wonderful time of year if you're into commericalism, marketing shemes, selfishness and random acts of kindess that you are required to make public because, well, let's face it. If no one knew what you did, doing it would be kind of pointless now wouldn't it?

Like most, i'm having some family over for dinner and gifts. The conflict here is i'm not in such a charismatic mood which is going to make it difficult to be social and excited about the current events.

I was flipping through some post secrets last night. I think i might send a few in. There's at least 100 secrets burried in me i'm not interested in sharing with people. At least when someone judges me they won't actually know it's me.

I'm thinking of coming out to my parents about my sexuality soon. I don't know why I haven't already. I think it's my dad. Just the way his face would sag when i said it. That's stupid though isn't it? It's my choice, right? I guess the embarassement lable is not one i'd like to wear.

Merry xmas eve everyone.
Hope it's better than mine.



That a boy :)

Blog Virginity: Taken

My name is Liv B.
I wish it was, however, Liv Elwood Darko.
(note the previous comment is not relivent to anything)

I am the following:
-Depressed
-Confused
-Alone
-Compliacted
-Indecsive
-Funny
-Intelligent
-Beautiful
-Bisexual
-Sleep deprived
-A published writer
-An award winning actress
-Illegal
-Broken Hearted


So here we go:

In the january of 2008 i became involved with a guy named cody. he was the most amazing person i have met and will ever meet in my life. He was funny,charming,sweet,cute,reassuring,intelligent. He was my whole life. He, unfortunatley will always be my whole life. We fell for eachother fast, though our relationships circumstances weren't ideal. He lived in Minnesota, i lived in Canada. In februrary he proposed and in march he was supposed to come here, move to Toronto and marry me by the time i was 18. I based me entire life right then and there around the idea that no matter how terrible your life,your past encounters or the future ones at that, there will always be 1 person to look to. Cody was that for me. But, sadly, the night before I was expecting his arrival, he told me he had a girl friend in MN, that he didn't know if he loved me, what i was to him, what i meant in his life. My heart shattered. My eyes bled. I hit myself in the heart repeatidly until my chest was covered in 4 fist size bruises. I attempted suicide. My life was over.

Since then, i have not been in a steady relationship. Everyone i get close to leaves the first chance they get. I have trust issues. I either don't or lay too much in them. I fall fast and i fall hard. I hate who i am. I hate what i've become, not only because of cody, but because of my choices in life. Since that day i've attempted suicide twice. I've written 72 suicide note drafts.

If i could save 1 person by helping them see it's ok to feel this way, as long as you are strong, i would die happy. I wish this pain upon no one. I know in my heart i don't deserve it. That one does. So i urge you, anyone who feels this way, lost, heartbroken,confused, alone. Please don't. The world's is an ugly terrible place but you have to see beauty in it. Whether it's real or not, you have to. It's as essential as breathing.

Please.