Something hard to stomach.

Last night i cried the hardest i've ever cried in more than a year.
I wanted to vomit and vomit and vomit.
I wanted to fall asleep and die.
Just realize death, and take it all in.
And die.

Not intentionally, just a freak comatose that engulfs me
in the wee hours of the night.
And makes everything numb, everything better.
Everything go away.

I thought it was about being happy for the longest time.
All I had to do was smile straight and look pretty.
And just be happy, and everything would be perfect. Right?
Wrong.

I want to just feel something. Anything that isn't unhappiness.
That doesn't make want to vomit.
Or die.
An emotion that makes you smile and makes you warm.
That revives you from being ultimately numb.
A hug or a kiss or a caress or a heart beat.
Something, ANYTHING.

It's not about someone fixing me
it's not about finding someone to make it all better,
to save me. to tell me everything i want to hear but
never did.

It's about fixing myself so i can feel it when you
touch me again.
So i can be all those things people tell me i am
but i'm not because i'm just really good at make believe.
Always was, always will be.

It's never been about falling in love, has it?
Not really.
It's not about adoring or infatuating or making memories.
It was about feeling.
Pure, natural, clean, unadulterated feelings.

I get it now.
But it's something hard to stomach.