Resolutions

Find a job
Lose some weight
Learn to trust
Believe in fate
Forget love
Remember friends
Smile more
Tie loose ends
Paint my toe nails
Write a book
Don't sleep till noon
Enjoy my looks
Buy a cellphone
Use my watch
Remind you that you mean a lot
Enjoy the sunshine
And the rain
Favor happiness
Above all pain
Sing in public
Try new things
Thank more people
Wear more rings
Dance on tables
Laugh out loud
Love my body
Be more proud
Resolutions for this year
A decade's passed and soon I fear
By the time the second comes
I cannot be glad with what I've done
So in short, I'll make some changes
And hope that this year rearranges
Happy new year to one and all
I hope this year we will not fall.

Pleas of insanity

I'm done chasing
You know I've chased all my life
I won't take your hand
Since your last words cut like a knife
Call me heartless, call me anything you'd like
But soon you'll regret the woman you rejected in strife.

I'm done begging
You know all I've done is beg
I won't take your heart
Since the last words that you said
Call me worthless, call me whatever you please
But I know you'll regret soon enough what you've done to me.

No more pleas of insanity for me
No more requests of your love
Never again will you break my heart
For lord knows, of you, I'm above.

And I could
I would
I will make someone happy
Who means it
Deserves and keeps me.
And I could
I would
I will be someone happy
I mean it
Deserve and keep it
Safe in my heart.

Check your baggage

Bitches, check your baggage at the door
Don't wanna hear that shit no more
Won't scratch your itch
Won't mend and stitch
Your problems
Yours problems disappear starting now
Meld to the crowd
Get loud, baby
Right now.
Please to meet you, pass me the bottle
Crank that shit and pass me a model
Don't care none
None don't care
Don't groan to me
Just moan to me
Hate when you tell me what's wrong
What's fair
Cocaine's my Gain
Sniff, Sniff Hooray!
Relax, take a hit
Let your body just sway
Day
Goes to night
Night never ends
Shortie lemme' see how
you grind and you bend.
Mmm, damn girl
Love your moves
Love your hips when you move so smooth
Get back into position
Listen to me say
Babe I could stare at those eyes all day
Check your baggage at the door
If you wanna be adored
Never get ignored
Check your baggage at the door
And relax.

Found it

It's a warm place to shit
It's a warm hand to hold
It's a soft place to sit
It's the cure to a cold
It's a Blue Danube Waltz
It's a bowl of corn flakes
It's herbal bath salts
It's big birthday cakes
It's a tall glass of wine
It's an acoustic guitar
It's a diamond that shines
It's a golf game below par
It's a sharp magic trick
It's the sweetest perfume
It's a milkshake that's thick
It's an ambient room
It's a novel
A song
A place you belong.
It's a crisp dollar bill
It's getting your fill.
A beautiful stranger
Adventuress danger.
It is happiness.
Found it.
And i dare not let it go.

You will love this song.

It's true.

I'd never ever kill myself,
but that doesn't mean I don't wish I was dead.

Ugly Lump

Your heart is an ugly lump
Full of veins and ventricles
That pound and pump.
You can't stand the sight of love
It's soiled and it's awful
Make you feel undone.
Still you chase girls
Fall for boys
Making passion and noise.
Not knowing what you'll feel
Hoping if it's something
It's something unreal.
In turn, your chest gets kicked
Apparently, after all
your skin ain't thick.
So naive is your ugly lump
Always looking up
To a brighter sun.
Never watches it step
To see where it's going
Hopes this is the right direction,
The direction it's flowing.
Hold on, because
Here
We
Go.
Falling into young romances
Taking leaps and taking chances.
Take my hand.
Take my hand.
Take my hand.
Understand.
I hope this isn't real, again.

Pain pills

Every day, I get up and I tell myself, flat out, no beating around the bush, "today is the day, we turn everything around for us." But, we never do. By the end of the day we are doing the same thing we always do. Writing furiously about how we can't do anything right or make anyone happy then crying ourselves to sleep asking "why?"

Today is almost over and I can already feel the tears inside me starting to rise. Rise to the surface, the whites of my eyes, waiting to collect in the lashes and then roll down my hot, flushed cheeks. I can already feel them. It feels good, but it feels disgusting at the same time. To know I am so young and already so messed up. I'm sure I sound like every other teenage girl, with drama she won't share and heartbreak that is probably meaningless but, it doesn't feel that way. Everyone's pain is equal and no ones pain is more important than another's. In the end, all pain is not substantial. In the end, all pain is resolved. With a hug, a kiss, a death, a life.

The question still remains inside me though. Will tomorrow be the day when I finally turn everything around? Or will I lie in bed tomorrow feeling farther from my goal. I have things I aspire to reach, hands I wish to hold, love I wish to decree, poems and stories and screenplays and books I need to write. All things in life I need to finish. Perhaps the first step is to remove of myself any goals at all, be clean of things that, subconsciously, I strive to meet and complete.

I'm crying now. And my day is not even done. Oh god, I'm a mess. Oh lord, I'm a train wreck. Will someone, anyone help me turn this around?

Please someone lie to me, that this is all going to turn out before I know it.

Relief

I am sitting in a room, trapped in darkness.
Engulfed in a never ending night and I have no idea what is going on.

There is a smell about this room I don't much care for.
It is not a bad smell, it's not disgusting or intolerable.
But it a scent I cannot place my finger on and my natural fear
of the unknown is causing impatience that almost makes me gag.

The room is drafty. I feel a cool breeze rush over my skin once in a while
almost as if there was someone opening a door that leads to the outside
but, I am sure there is not because there is never a change of lighting
the same way a room get's brighter when you come inside from the street.
There are no noises that indicate other people around me or a door itself being
opened.

I feel as if I am on fire. My skin is burning and my cheeks feel hot
as if I am embarassed. My lips are chapped and sore and my eyes begin to water
the way they would if there was smoke being blown into them.

There is a noise that comes about every few seconds.
A drip of water hitting cement. Like a leaking sink in the middle of a street.
I wonder if I am in a sewer. But I don't hear cars above me roar over the pavement and
I hear no running water or scurrying rats.

I shut my eyes and squeeze my face so tightly
it feels almost as if I have aged exceedingly.

When I open them, the room is white.
I look down and I can see my hands, my feet, my legs, the chair upon which I am seated.
I sigh a breath of relief. Pure, exasperated relief.

I am dead.


(eric says hello)

The loudest words are not on pages.

What say I
Spell out your pride
That flow from your tongue
An ancient sea
Part thy lips
Two ships
Two sailing ships of red
That lead a myriad of words
Into a flow of conversation.

What say you
Speak only truth
Speak to me only words
That hold their holy ground
Say nothing if not aloud
And be no one if no one speaks their mind
Dit moi la vérité
As the french do say
It not need be so beautifully phrased
Need not phase me
But still please me
With your honesty for I now do expect nothing less and so much more.

Take two lovers set in place
And add one band of diamond love
And see her smile, white as doves
But irony beseech you
For you are the dove who carries message forth
Messages of marriage and eternity
And things of a nature perceived as peaceful.

Tell me, how is it that words
Are a basis of a conversation
Are a basis of a memory and still forgotten
before our actions even cease?

We can imagine our first kiss
Better than the bible's verses
Hymns and curses.

We forget our parent's lectures
Quicker than when we were hit
Punched and kicked.

But still we see those words as being
Of something who's value outlasts
Who's wisdom is said to never pass
When still the saying goes
That actions speak what words cannot.

So tell me
Will these words not last?
I hope not
For words mean nothing
So long as hearts still beat
And love still pounds
And rockets don't stay on the ground. the ground.

Dear jeans

Between your holes are met goals
Through your wear my soul is bared
I am scared.
For soon
I must lose you
Dispose of your memories "
Treasure me"
You whisper
And I wish I could.
You have faded shades from blue to grey
And where once explorer was what you read
Is now a hole, since exploration's dead
Tight becomes the fit
But still I shall not quit
For you
You remain my favourite pair
My sweet blue jeans
With tender care
-Liv

A forgotten smile

It's midweek and I'm passing through a familiar hallway
but instead of busy, instead of crowded and noisy, it's empty
and quiet.

I'm not sure why but it even smells different when it's lonely
and vacant. I like that smell better, I'm sure everyone does.

It's even more yellow than usual. The dull fluorescent lighting
makes my skin crawl. There are papers and notes loosely floating
down the tiles. When you walk, even the softest steps, they seem louder.
They seem important and meaningful.

I walk fast from the bathroom back to the science class. I am wearing a black
winter coat and a red hat. I have glasses on and bag slung over my shoulder.
My hair is softly curled. I feel rushed for no reason. My body feels cold even though
I am roasting under my layers of clothes.

I am walking up the stairs and I see you with someone walking in my direction from down
the hallway. It's a long hallway. I am crossing the floor and our paths cross.

You smile at me. It will become the most important smile of my life.

You catch me off guard and I smile back. I wanna say "hi" but my tongue
fumbles the words and swallows them back into the abyss of my sad and lonely mind.

I become ecstatic and wonder a million things about you. We have never spoken before.

I dreamed about that first smile last night.
It was a memory I forgot I had.
It made me feel so safe to remember it.

God damn it, I really miss you.

Begging for cash (please help!)

Hey all.
If you scroll down as far as you can on the side bar,
you will notice a google ad placement.
This is because I have adsense.
If you don't know about it, check it out.
Basically, you let google place ads on your blog//site
and the more clicks on it you receive
the more money you make.
I don't have a job people.
Money isn't tight but it isn't right either.
I currently won a place in the DECA Ontario Business provincials.
The trip is 205 bucks +spending money.
And around here, that's a big deal.
So what i'm trying to say is

WHEN YOU ARE READING MY BLOG
REMEMBER TO CLICK ON THE ADS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY//REGISTER//SPEND//CONSUME ANY OF IT
JUST CLICK IT SO LIV CAN MAKE SOME CASH!

thanks :) I reaaaaaaaally appreciate it

ttfn!

Flying high

I've seen the world from a different angle
One where all the wires tangle
The ones that send the vital verses
And remove the hateful curses
So these things get intertwined
Never mind
They say they have figured out
Found a seed to sprout
Feed the masses
All the classes
Keep us equal
Keep us quiet
Keep down the riots
And the pirates
They better stay on the ships
The astronauts better get a grip
Find a phrase that fits
Cause soon we will be

Fly-ing, Fly-ing, Fly-ing so high
We can graze the sky
Floating in our ignorance
Let the people hear our rhymes
Fly-ing, Fly-ing, Fly-ing, buh bye

I woke up from a hateful dream
Looked around and all I see
Buildings burning
Homes on fire
The dream came true
The good grew tired
And now the hurt has settled
Meddled
It's way in
And it won't get out
Hate crimes
Discrimination
Lost all patience
Lost that statement
Something bout every man is equal
And equal rights for all god's people
Cause now we are

Fly-ing, Fly-ing, Fly-ing so high
We can graze the sky
Floating in our ignorance
Let the people hear our rhymes
Fly-ing, Fly-ing, Fly-ing, buh bye

So watch me go to a better state of mind
A magic idea I had to let love unwind
It's a simple kind
An easy find,
Embrace
Embrace
Embrace
And let the love sink in
So we are no longer

Fly-ing, Fly-ing, Fly-ing so high
We can graze the sky
Floating in our ignorance
Let the people hear our rhymes
Fly-ing, Fly-ing, Fly-ing, buh bye


P.S this is liv's first rap :D

Next to your memory

You belong in the rain next to me
Right in the storm where we were at peace
Right in my arms is where you should hide
The same very place you once hid in with pride.

You belong in the books next to me
Right in the shelves where we were at peace
Right in my hand is where you should rest
The same very place you once rested a mess.

You belong in love with me
Where we met so instantly
Right in the midst of your eyes
I still dream of at night
Right in the center
of what I still know right.

You belong
Where we met.
Next to me.

You belong
Where you sat
Next to me.

I belong
Next to you.
Next to you.
Next to you.

Right there against you in peace.
How I miss your embrace
And loathe my release.

How I die knowing
Where I belong next to you
Is farther than I can manage to reach.

This is called

This is called comatose
It's when you can't feel
It's when you go numb
It's when nothing is real.
This is called fucked-me-up
It's when I bleed to death
It's when I cannot stand
It's when i can't catch breath.
This is called lost-all-hope
It's when I don't try
It's when I barely speak
It's when I swallow my pride
This is called broken-heart
It's when I get cold
It's when my words sound harsh
It's when I fold.
This is called distant-love
It's when my thoughts drown
It's when I don't bother
It's when my brain shuts down.
This is called don't act
like you know
everything.
This is called stop telling me
how to
live.
This is called you don't know
what it means
to me.
This is called fuck off
because i won't give
in.
This me trying
This is me giving my all
This is me doing what I can to solve
This is called don't you lash out
And don't you let go
And don't say you love me
Because you are quite cold.
This is called
Don't try and fix me
I don't need your honesty
Don't need your help
I can fuck up myself
This is called
I need and want you
But not as you are.
This is called
Don't be a hero and
Don't be a star.
This is called
done.

Stormy weather

This was gonna be my last chance
Fresh start
Gonna have a heart to heart
Restart.
Start again.
Replace a foe and find a friend.
Open up the closet door
See what it's hiding
What's in store.
Skeletons and child traumas
Broken hearts and teenage drama.
All the words that make mouths dry
Collect inside
It is there, they hide
With pride
A shadow cast on them.
What I wouldn't give
To join their games.
Here, silly me
Thought she could flee.
Begging jury
"Here my plea!"
It's wasted breath.
That's all I am,
Water and hormones mixed by hand.
By "god" they call him
I dare not believe
For he has taking life from me
From me my life was taken
Forsaken words like
"Love" and "Lust"
Words I know better than to trust.
Hope is lost,
Or on vacation.
Either way
It's switched locations.
It sends me postcards in the form
Of hallmark greetings like
"soon will pass the storm."
Well, comforting, the thought may be
It's a liar
And the storm won't cease.

Hope

The weakness in my voice?
That ain't acting.
The indecision in my choice?
That ain't faked.
I have become much less than superman
Can't do it all, but I never could.
And apparently all the effort I'm putting forth,
Is not but 1000 miles from where it should.
Guess I am pointless, useless and lost.
Divine is my love for you, rich is the cost.
Suppose I dropped everything, ran to your arms
Would they be open with no cause for alarm?
So who I am fooling? It's on my leg I pull
I can't do anything right,
Can't love no one in sight
Can't give you my heart,
From the get go, the start.
Giving up looks like the most simple of tasks
Put memoirs and photographs all in the past.
Look to the future,
In hopes If I die,
That things will getter better.
That relief I will sigh.
But I can't
In case you come back for me.
But I can't
In case you decide that you care after all.
Here I stand
It ain't easy, but that's no excuse.
I'm holding in so much pain
But that's no excuse.
Let me loose.
Let me go.
Hold me close.
I have given up hope.

Live on Facebook

Howdy everyone.

As I'm sure you are aware, I am trying hard for this blog to be recognized
on the net. As this is a hard thing to do considering I'm competing with porn,
forums and networking sites I decided, when you can't beat em, join em.

In the side bar, you will notice a new addition. The facebook fan page.
If you have facebook, i suggest you click "become a fan" because word of mouth
is good, but seen on facebook is way better.

Tell your friends, tell your family.
Become a fan! You won't regret it.

never gonna be

you ain't never gonna be

different
special
beautiful
respected
cared for
looked after
important
priority
incredible
amazing
wanted

and fuck,

you ain't never sure as hell gonna be

loved.


so stop crying, face it, and die knowing it.
because little lady and young man alike

love ain't nothing but poetry.

Hal

She didn't like music. She didn't hate it per say but she sure didn't like it.
I asked her why. She told me "Why would i listen to pianos when i could easily submerse myself in the music life plays everyday?" to which i always replied "You know, I hear that in one church hymn, there's a secret chord that connects you with god." She called me naive a lot. I never blamed her.

There was one night, one warm August night we spent together on the patio roof of my apartment. It was muggy out but she said she was tired of sitting inside and watching movies together to which i had to agree. We were talking about life and the way our hands look and the noise it makes when you chew on wet mittens and kites and traffic congestion when it started to rain. I ran to the door way telling her to hurry and get inside, i would make us coffee and we can dry off. She didn't move "I wanna dance! Come dance with me!" I said no, was she crazy? It's pouring outside. "Dance with me, Dance with me." I didn't. I wasn't brave like her. Never will be. We stopped talking. Instead she pirouetted around my roof in the rain and I watched her.Lord, was she beautiful in the moon light. I was suicidal, but i never told her that.

When she died, something moved in me. A spirit, a holy dove, a symbol of peace and a symbol of leaving. I didn't like it, it made me sea sick. Or air sick or car sick or any sick. I didn't like it all.
It made me lose a lot of faith in myself, in god. In the idea that things get better. I didn't have a will to live but i figured i had become so numb that it didn't matter if i stayed or left. So i stayed.

Those last days before she died, she was bitter. The smile that intimidated me, the eyes that could always calm me down, those lips that kissed things better? They were bitter like her. She was delusional and angry and sick and lost. She told me the sickness was my fault, that i didn't pray right, or enough. She fell asleep and i would hold her hand. And i would cry. I miss her so much.

She didn't want a funeral. At first i was angry that i wouldn't get to tell everyone how amazing she was but now i see why. Hal never remembered many things, nothing significant. And she knew to me, to a lot of people, she was. She didn't want a remembrance,she didn't want people to be obligated to mourn, she wanted a cherish. And I do. Everyday.

I did everything I could for her but, it wasn't much. For a while i wasn't capable of feeling so i tried to reach out and feel what others could. Lust, love, anger, sadness and pain at the very least. I went to church and stood before god and told him that i hated him, for taking Hal away from me. Even though i lost faith, i knew she needed it, so i kept it strong for her.

Because it doesn't matter which word of man you've heard, the holy or the broken. You can't lose faith.



*if you know what this is based on, props.

Afford

I can't afford to lose my head
It's all that keeps my awful thoughts in bed.
I can't afford to lose my mind
It's all that's left to keep my death threats kind.
I can't afford to lose my tongue
It's all that keeps my speech on a flooding run.
I can't afford to lose my breath
It's all that my lungs still can catch.
I can't afford to walk away
It's all I can do to stay.
I can't afford to drown my soul
It's all that keeps me on my goals.
I can't afford to break my heart
It was already beat up from the start.
I can't afford to hold your hand
It's the only part of you I still stand.
I can't afford to lose you
You are all I have
All that's left
All that's still tangible
And losing you
Feels more like theft
And losing you might kill me still
And Thinking of it makes me ill
Knowing that she has you
You don't need me
But you keep me
Someone kill me.

The greatest stories ever told

If beauty was in short supply
The world would ask you to please comply
To their wish that you could share
For my love your face is fair.
And your arms that hold me tight
Your lips that kiss me and make things right
They both are things i cherish dear
Losing them,knowing they are lost is my biggest fear.
With every smile that you shoot my way
I know tomorrow's a brighter day
Like the sun's shine warms our weary souls
Your warmth keeps away the cold.
To be without you seems a sin
Seems a war I'd never win
Seems a night without a moon
Seems a new year that comes too soon.
To be without you scares me stiff
So please hold on, here comes the wind
To blow against my ship's white sail
And take us away to where we'll regale
Each other with com-ic-al tales
Of true romance, like what we share
An honest love to no other can compare.
So sweet pea, tell me, what's the plan?
It starts and ends with me holding your hand.
Along the way we'll have our bumps
Like petty fights and when you get the mumps.
I'll bring you soup, we'll work it out.
No reason for us to shout.
My last request, sweet valentine
Promise me
You're only mine.

I can do it

It's gonna hurt like hell.
Nothing more am I sure of.
But fuck, I gotta live through it.
Nothing less am I sure of.

Recuperate my losses.
Turn them into gold.
Gotta make something of my weary self
Before I have turned old.

Won't think of you in vain and lust
Won't give away my sacred trust.
Won't take promises from silly boys
Or let stupid girls make me their toys.

It's gonna hurt like hell
I won't take this smile for granted.
But fuck, I gotta live through it.
Will take time, but i can do it.

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it.

Don't need nobody who can't prove it
Don't need nobody who'll leave me.
Don't need no time to be grieving.

I can do it.
Can't I?

A Ballad For Scarlett.

Tonight with my guitar
I'll be a star
So I can declare to world
How beautiful your eyes are
Bright and blue they shine
Say that they're only mine
only, mine.

Red are those lips
I long to kiss
I long to caress with my tongue.
Your laugh hits me like a gun
Just like a bang from a bullet
Once you pull it,
I'm a goner.
Lost in love.
In, love.

Surname Johansson, Forename Scarlett
Be my starlet
When I see you on the silver screen
I know you belong with me.
You're a winner, I'm a sinner
To be so pleased
When you locked lips with Penelope Cruz
God it hurts to lose, knowing
I'll never have you.
Never, have you.

In The Island with Sir McGregor
He really got it better.
He got to see doubles of you
And steal a smooch.
Oh god,
What a film.
What a girl.
What an unfair, lonely world.
Scarlett I need you.
Need, you.

Surname Johansson, Forename Scarlett
Be my starlet
When I see you on the silver screen
I know you belong with me.
You're a winner, I'm a sinner
To be so pleased
When you locked lips with Penelope Cruz
God it hurts to lose, knowing
I'll never have you.
Never, have you.

Here I stand,
I declare
That my love for you is there.
And I swear you'd feel it to.
If only I could be with you.
Be, with you.

Surname Johansson, Forename Scarlett
Be my starlet
When I see you on the silver screen
I know you belong with me.
With, me.

Attack.

At first it's calm.
Overcast in my head.
It thunders, but no lightning.
Not yet.

I think about all the things i shouldn't
The people i hate, the places that remind me of all the wrong i've done.
Committed sins and foul play.
And soon i feel sick.

My stomach rolls like a ship on high tide.
It tosses and turns, throwing acid into my throat.
I feel my eyes swell. It burns and it bleeds.
I start to cry. I start to feel.

Violent tears and angry, silent screams.
My teeth grind and my heart aches.
My hands are numb.
My legs shake.
My toes curl in so tight i could turn coal into diamonds between them.
I vomit.
I am sick with sadness.

My chest heaves in and out, my head is throbbing.
I can barley breathe.
I wish i could suffocate.
I wish i could die.

I squeeze my eyes so tight and hard
against my face.
I can see all the moments I've done this before.
Vivid as a picture book.

My ticker races, mini heart attacks rage
through my chest as if they might never cease.
For moments i calm, i collect, i review.
I remember, and i cry again.
Louder, angrier.

I clench pillows against me.
I hold them tight, so tight that if they were people
i would break their ribs into tiny shatters and scarps.
I wish it was a person.
I wish i never cried.
I wish i could smile straight.

My nose bleeds, my throat burns with stomach acid.
A foreign feeling i am so familiar with arises.
As if I've never cried before.
Like the first time I've ever felt.
I pray it is the last, but hell.
Nothing is.

I pass out.
I sleep.
I wake up.
I pretend.

This is a manic attack.
I have one every day.

In the wrong

When I think of you, my toes curl tight.
My heart pitter-patters.
I don't feel right.

My arms feel heavy.
My palms bead sweat.
Every time I think of you
Is more reason to forget.

I feel you in my running shoes
Pushing me to continue farther on.
Your memory haunts my every step
And reminds me that I'm in the wrong.

When my back stings and aches
When my my legs feel weak and shake.
I feel you there.

You are my pain, and still my bliss
My failing love and longing kiss.
I feel you here.

You stand for fault
And correction alike.
You are my heartache,
My blurry sight.

I feel you here.
And there.
And everywhere,
that we have been together.

Changed my life.
I was wrong.
And you were right.

You are always right.

Giving Thanks.

Bow our heads
Who's turn for grace?
Pass the butter for heaven's sake.
Let us pray,
Good bread, good meat.
And of course, good god
Now hell, let's eat.
Uncle recalls us with his tales
Of ships at sea
Battling rain and hail.
Auntie dishes second helpings
The family dog chirps out loud, rude yelpings.
Mommy yells to "sit up straight"
Daddy says "the turkey's great!"
Grandpa passed out long ago
"Diabetic friendly?" Grandma has to know.
Can you pass the salad down?
Drentched in gravey, turkey drowns.
It's on today that we are gracious for living,
That's why today is called Thanksgiving.

1 outta 2.

The first time we met, we never really did. She smiled at me from across the dorm and bowed her head towards her PBR tall boy. She was a hipster. I didn't care.

It was a party. The room smelt like incense and hash. Someone's iPod mini shuffled through The Shins several cliche college living albums. People talked about philosophy, people stared at their hands. She stared at me. I didn't stare back. I should have, courtesy if anything, but I didn't. I didn't flatter her ego, I didn't make eyes, offer her a drink, ask for her number. I didn't care.

Her name was Marilyn, but she was no Monroe. And I was no Frank Sinatra. She was taking cardiology, I was doing environmental sciences. Her eyes were brown and big. They were nothing special. She had a scent about her that reminded me of tea. Her lips were always dry like winter, even in the summer months. She had dimples and a nice smile. She was plain. And I didn't ever love her. I didn't care.

I dated her for 6 months. She used to worry a lot. About school, about us. I told her I wasn't going anywhere and neither was the campus. Well, 1 outta 2 ain't bad as far as lying is concerned. She wanted me to meet her parents. I was on another page. I hated the fact she chewed her pencils and I hated the fact she loved me. I didn't care.

I told her I loved her too. I bought her a ring for her birthday. It was green, her favourite colour and I'll be honest, that's all i seemed to known about her. I knew the little things she would bitch about if I didn't. Movies, music, food, colours. Favourite jeans, biggest pet peeve. I never really knew Marilyn the way I wanted to. I didn't care.

When we broke up, it was messy. She cried and she broke things. My things. That's all I could think about when she screamed "I HATE YOU DARRIN" at me. All I could think about was my things she was breaking. I want to ask her to pay me back for them. She told me she hated me. I didn't care.

And now it's all over. I see her around campus but I don't say hello. She still chews her pencils. And my coffee table leg is still wobbly. I see her a lot.

I didn't ever love her and I didn't care. Well, 1 outta 2 ain't bad as far as lying is concerned.

Q & A

"Where do you get your inspiration?"
Up my arrogant bipolar asshole.
"It's so natural."
Because it comes so fluently from my loud mouth.
"What's it like?"
Like my stomach got dropped kicked
and my heart got tackled just before the 50 yard line.
"You're beautiful"
No, I'm not. I've aged incredibly because I cry so much.
And 8 hours or more out the day I bottle my shit up
and send it off to sea because god fucking damn it
I will not be vulnerable to the people who make me weep.
"It'll be fine"
It's a pre-dug grave in my honor. The tombstone
is up and every day shit gets worse because someone,
something wants me in it. But I won't move. Because you
make me feel guilty about what I don't understand yet.
About depression and about feeling.
"Are you okay?"
Mother fucking no, I'm not. I'm dying of a broken heart,
my head is full of sick suicidal thoughts, I can't write,
I can't sleep, I can't smile sincerely and I can't create.
I can't survive and I need someone to listen.
But damn, that's hypocritical. I can't even talk.
I can't express and I can't verbalize shit all because
no one taught me how. I'm growing up so fast.
A mental age of 21-25 who doesn't know how to talk
about my problems.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Do you wanna listen or do you wanna hear.
There's a difference between feeling in the loop, feeling trusted
for your own egocentric and big headed gain and looking me in the eyes
because you care.
Because it's me, not my problems.
People don't wanna fix people, they wanna fix
problems.
People are challenges.
And let's face it, were lazy.
Were better than your shit or yours, or yours.
"Smile"
Make.Me.

Sorry.

I'd start now
But i don't know how.
Never have, never did
Wanna love, wanna give.
Can't.
Don't.
Won't.
Negatives.
Contractions in my head
that do not fit.
Depression is a burden.
Learning.
How to deal.
So unreal.
Can't feel.
Felt you.
Had to move.
Had to get away.
Huge mistake.
Fucking LOVE YOU.
Not like.
Fucking LOVE YOU.
Wanna fight.
For YOU.
No one else.
Wouldn't cry.
Ever.
In front of no one.
Too strong, or weak.
Depending if the view is bleak.
Regarding me.
Fuck this, fuck life.
Not okay and not alright.
Need you.
Can't admit.
I'm too stubborn 'bout this shit.
Couldn't feel, tried to touch.
Use depression as a crutch.
Fuck, I'm stupid.
This is I know.
For my past has proven so.
Sorry.
Honest, sorry.
No, I mean it.
Sorry.

Itchy Love

Do you recall the man
Who scratched so hard
He got to the center of his heart?
The man who pushed and pulled
At his skin so hard
He figured out where it starts.
Where the love grows
Where the love knows
How to breathe
And receive.
Do you recall the man
Who scratched that hard?
I do.
I do.
I recall him vividly
And the noise it made
Everytime his chest did itch.
I recall him vividly
And the tears he cried
Everytime his lover stitched.
See those eyes a'burning
That heart a'yearning,
For a feeling that can't be fixed.
I idolize the man who scratched so hard
He got to the center of his heart.
Damn, I adore the man
Who scratched so hard
He go to the center of his heart.

Worry Wart.

Sometimes, most of the time, I worry.
I worry about ending up alone.
About the way my hair looks,
or if my makeup has rubbed off.
I worry about my grades,
about my health.
I worry about my heart.
I worry that it's broken beyond repair.
That it won't feel the way it i want it to about people.
I worry I won't be beautiful to someone.
I worry that the girls, the awful girls,
who treat others unfairly, who are mean and who are
shallow, will get everything I've wanted in life.
When I can't sleep, I sit up in my big, lonely, over sized
bed and I worry my depression will never go away.
I worry that I'm not the only person in your life that
you say you love.
That worries me a lot.
In fact, it scares me.
And it hurts me to think that maybe
I'm really not the most amazing girl you known.
And maybe, just maybe, I'm really not enough.
Because I know in my heart, I'm not.
And you know it too.
I worry that I won't ever be happy
And I worry that you lie about how you feel.
That's what I worry about.

Even though I'm not.

You call me beautiful
I call delusional.
I call it like i see it, that's what you say.

You make me smile
Feel worth while.
I feel lucky knowing you, that's what you say.

Apparently I'm pretty great
I won't call it fate
But you do.

And hell I am no Shakespeare
I am no Picaso's Mona Lisa
Nice to meet ya.
Here I am, and here I stand.
And so you say, I should never change
rearrange
myself.

Ginger, Mary-Anne
I hear Gilligan has got a plan
And I agree with him
To convince you I am not
so great and much more grim.

I will say it 900 times
I don't see why I'm so fine.
And yes, secretly
I do adore it
When my looks
you won't ignore em.

I could love you in an instant
But I'll keep that to myself
With all my other silly thoughts
All propped upon on a shelf.

You call me lot's of pretty words
I call infatuated with a silly girl
I call it like i see it, that's what you say.

You said you'd love me too
when you were drunk one day.

i love to hold my fright quite tight.

P.S i know halloween is over a month away,
so back off.


I
Wanna love you till you rot
And sure, that might sound inappropriate
But it's the truth, my soon to one day be
zombie buttercup.

I
Wanna hold you till you die
And god forbid most absolutely
But one day it's bound to happen my
beautiful corpse bride.

I
Wanna kiss you till you bleed
And yes it is a cruel intention
But sometimes it is what you need my
darling phantom queen.

happy halloween.

Sustainable Procrastinating

We're in a sustainable living class.
And we're not working.

Roxann's here.
And Sam.

I really love that the school board doesn't block blogger.
This is so much fun.

Coupe des cheveux.

Tis the season for liv's new haircut
fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la.

Yes folks, it's true. Liv got the old mop
chopped and cropped, molded and folded,
slices and diced.

bangs, bangs, bangs my friends.
fringe as can be.

Sap.

You're the kind of girl
who belongs in a picture book.
Much to beautiful for the real world
far beyond how all the others look.

Eyes that glimmer cliches
like all the stars up in heaven.
A mind of quirky pieces
On a scale from 1-10 babe, you hit eleven.

If I could be a real writer
god, the words I'd send to you.
If I was less a lover, more a fighter
not a battle for you would I ever lose.

Superman once asked me
would I want to save this earth?
What a burden that would be
since saving you is all it's worth.

Burn me, break me, shut me down
I could never leave your side.
If a hand to hold is not around
willingly, I shall provide.

Your smile could cause world peace
in every toothy grin you show.
I hope your love will never cease
for every day, mine surly grows.

With every sappy word I think
I realize each one is true
And with every word I've put down in ink
I think these ones will seem to do

I love you.

The distance

This is the last day of my life.
This is the first day of my living.
This is the last day of my gifts.
This is the first day of my giving.
Here today is the last time i say hello.
And not the only time i say i have to go.
This is how the story's wrote.
This is how the story came to be composed,
all in those eyes.
Your beautiful eyes
that remind me of skies
so blue.
And so clear.
Even when you cry,
I can see for days my dear.
Oh how I'm gonna love you.
Oh how I'll run a marathon for you.
Cross the seas
and all the sand
if it's just to hold your hand
I will go
the distance in a day
in an hour
in a second
anyway,
I have to.
I will go
it all for you.
Oh how I'll go
how I'll go
it all for you.

By Definition

hyp⋅o⋅crite

/ˈhɪpəkrɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciat[hip-uh-krit]
-noun
a person who pretends to have virtues,
moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc.,
that he or she does not actually possess,
esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

just so you know what you are.
it's this.

want want want

I don't want to cradle pillows in my sleep.
I don't want to listen to mellow, heartbreaking acoustic on my ipod all the time.
I don't want to only write sad stories.
I don't want love to be an unfortunate feeling.
I don't want to cry to be able to sleep well.
I don't want to contemplate suicide 3 times a week.
I don't want to fake smiles.
I don't want to be considered strong for being unhappy.
I don't want to be taken seriously because I've been through a lot.
I don't want to get a heavy heart when I try and discuss my feelings.
I don't want you to tell me to go away.
I don't want to be ignored.
I don't want to bottle anger.
I don't want to be jealous of pretty, stupid girls.
I don't want to need.
I don't want to feel such terrible things, I wish i was numb.
I don't want to envy people who hold hands.
I don't want to hate my bed.
I don't want to be different this way.
I don't want people to call me bipolar.
I don't want to hate seeing you enjoy life.
I don't want other girls to like you.
I don't want other boys to call you baby.
I don't want to be jealous.
I don't want to be sad, all the fucking time.
I don't want to cry until I get sick.
I don't want to be awkward.
I don't want to be angry for no reason.
I don't want to be incapable of fixing my problems.
I don't want to feed off of orgasms because i crave the endorphins.
I don't want an eating disorder.
I don't want to drink my worries away.
I don't want to be this.
Me.
All of this bull crap that people tell me
is so "amazing"
is so "beautiful, gorgeous"
is so "unique and incredible"
is so "don't ever change"
is so "don't hate yourself"
is so
FUCKING AWFUL AND NO ONE LOVES ME
AND ONE WANTS ME
AND I CAN'T BE WITH ANYONE BECAUSE
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WITHOUT WORRYING
THEY'RE ALWAYS GOING TO LEAVE BECAUSE
I CAN'T MAKE ANYONE HAPPY.

I don't want to be alone.

Unqualified Advice

This is for the power fighters.
This is for the story writers.
This is for the motorheads.
This is for the whores in bed.
This is for the freedom people.
This is for the church and steeple.
This is for the old bus driver.
This is for the new grade niner.
This is for the dying man.
This is for the marching band.
This is for the country's leader.
This is for the woman beater.
This is for the loud mouth chicks.
This is for the jerks and dicks.
This is for evolutionists.
This is for revolutionists.
This is for the young pure lovers.
This is for the long lost brothers.
This is for the traffic cop.
This is for the moms that never stop.
This for the guitar heroes.
This for the total zeroes.
This is for the lonely losers.
This is for the cool car cruisers.
This is for the pretty ladies.
This is for the iffy maybes.
This is for rebel outlaws.
This is for he who has no cause.
This is for the pregnant prom queens.
This is for the college deans.
This is for the high school grads.
This is for the sex mad lads.
This is for the pot head dropouts.
This is for the sports team swapouts.
This is for those who've had enough.
My advice?
Don't give up.

Knowing

Every part of me knows
This is just how the story goes
This is just how the wind must blow
Every part of me knows

Every inch of me can agree
This is just how we get set free
This is just how we come to be
Every inch of me can agree

Every length of me can understand
This is just the ways of man
This is just the beat played by the band
Every length of me can understand

Every molecule of me is aware
This is just too much to bare
this is just, it is not fair
Every molecule of me is aware

Everybody seems to get it
This is just life, so you can't sweat it
This is just existence, so just forget it
Everybody seems to get it

So fondly goes your mind
And in the melting snow you'll find
The lost and tattered souls of yesteryear
Buried deep in winter's fear
Try to help them you will not
Their time has passed, they're now forgot.

Every part of me knows
This is just how the story goes
This is how the wind must blow
Every part of me knows

But i wish it could be
A different ending for you and me
And all the tattered souls of yesteryear
Who too wanted different endings to be
Different endings for you and me.

This is why I can't be honest.

I want you to get out of my life and stay where you may wander.
Because every time you talk I wonder why you even bother with me.

Just, go away.
Please?

Guaraentee

This weather we are facing is replacing
all the sunshine in your eyes.
In your big brown eyes that I love.
And what has come between us
Intervened us
It will pass
If you let it
It only lasts
If you let it.
This I always guarantee.

So tell me darling, how can I help
If all you do is let our differences collect up on the shelf.
Discovering dust, forgetting us. What has happened here?
Don't you tell me that I've changed and that your feelings have
all rearranged.
That's a lie.
And you know it.
You make me cry.
And you know it.
This I always guarantee.

Lemme make the best of your bad situation
tell me how's this variation
don't give up on us.
Don't throw this loving underneath the bus
don't put my calls on hold
don't you go and act so cold.
This charade that you've been playing?
Damn dear, it is getting old.

So tell me, how you gonna spend your holidays?
Alone sulking in your fictional pain?
Man what a waste
Boy what a bad taste
in your mouth.
Come spend them here with me
Exchanging gifts under the tree.
Oh what a scene.
Babe, what a scene.

That smile is delightful
Positively.
That mind is so insightful
Positively.
This I always guarantee.

Oh I need you.
This I always guarantee
This I always guarantee
Babe, I'll always guarantee
That I love you
and you love me.
Guaranteed.

Owie.

Today I have the most intense, unimaginable headache.
The kind you read about. Legendary isn't the right word
but it's the first word that comes to mind.

It's like a bowling ball running down the lane, a spark from flint.
as Andrew from Garden state would call it,
"it's like a tiny thunderstorm inside my head. And it only last for a split second
and then it's gone"

It first it started to seep into my skull as i sat up to stretch
on the couch. I had been lying there indulging myself in my favoured
country for independent films latest, "He died with a felafel in his hand".
True story. Not the movie, but it's titled. Based on the novel by John Birmingham.
I recommend it, great film. Anyways, I sit up and this sharp shock runs through my
noggin. I think dehydration. Though that's insane, I've had plenty to drink today. Water
especially. Then I think sun, but haven't been out all day. I take an asprin and it escalates.
I lay down, but when i get up again it's worse. I play the guitar but the noise makes my brain
rattle.

So here i am now sitting at the computer, the radiation of the blogger New Post screen
banging in my face like some cheap desperate hooker begging for your dick.
I know that was graphic but at this point I'm not calm enough for any ocean breeze or freshly baked bread comparisons so back off.

Today is one of the days when i sit for ages, i watch films, i listen to music, i have meaningful conversations with myself and i still cannot for the love of the lord in heaven, write anything close to poetry. So i'm changing it up and posting what is assumed to be a traditional blog post. I'm sure everyone reading this is ecstatic but i could give less than a fuck and a shit.

Then i start to let my head wander, which is never good when it hurts this badly. What if it isn't medical. What if my health is fine, better than normal even. Which is a stretch considering i wolfed McDonald's like it was my last meal today at around 1pm. What if it's mental. What if this depression is getting worse, growing faster and faster and i can't keep up. And the only thing my body knows how to do is hurt? What if that's crazier than it sounds at the same time.

A friend once told me the only thing that can fix you, is you. That people, emotions, the idea of love, the commitment we associate with it, with sex, and dates and friends, ultimately gets in the way of the only thing that matters. You. But then that raises a question for all those feeling suicidal, depressed and manic like me. What if you think you don't matter.

Which is crazier than my earlier thesis about pain. I matter, everyone matters to some degree, right? To someone anyways. But the feeling still sits there with all my pain in the back of my mind. What if it turned out, i didn't matter. Then how can i fix things?

I know this is a lot of ideas considering how little i figure i can think right now.

Anyways, something inside, something incredibly simply utterly sad is screaming at me right now "you're depressed and it needs to be fixed."

But how?